Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a
chronology of the major news stories of 1999.
- Saturday, January 2
- The first major snowstorm of the winter sweeps across southern
Ontario and into parts of Québec, leaving 40-50 cm of snow
in some areas, almost exactly a year after the major ice storm which
paralyzed many of the same areas. Québec Premier Lucien
Bouchard promises to find out whether the rest of Canada had anything
to do with it, suggesting that it may be the first of his "winning
conditions" for a referendum on separation.
- Sunday, January 3
- The Fairbank Hotel, a Toronto strip club which was raided last
month, suffered a fire this evening. A fire department spokeperson
said that they believe the fire was electrical in nature. "You know,
some of those girls really generate electricity!" said the spokesperson,
who did not wish to be identified.
- Monday, January 4
- Elizabeth Dole, wife of former U.S. presidential candidate Bob
Dole, retired today from the Red Cross Society and hinted that she
may be considering running for the presidency. She denied being
coached by her husband. "Elizabeth Dole does not need to be
coached by her husband," she said. "Elizabeth Dole is her own woman."
She then proceeded to fall off the stage.
- Thursday, January 7
- Senate hearings began today in the case of U.S. President Bill
Clinton. Democrats wanted to keep the hearings short but Republicans
insisted that they wanted to call witnesses. "We can't wait to get
that Lewinsky chick here," said one senator speaking on condition
of anonymity, "and ask her to demonstrate to each and every one of
us what, exactly, she did with the President."
- Friday, January 8
- A rumour spread through the entertainment world today that
Baby Spice, of the pop group Spice Girls, was engaged and would
shortly be announcing a forthcoming marriage to the 19-yr-old
lead singer of another British band. One disbelieving fan
says it can't be true. "It just wouldn't be like a Spice Girl
to get engaged before she's knocked up," said the fan,
whose Web page claims that
Baby Spice is going to marry him instead.
- Saturday, January 9
- It was alleged today that the organizers of Salt Lake City's
bid for the Olympic games procured prostitutes to service some
visiting International Olympic Committee delegates. In a statement
read by his lawyer, one of the organizers claimed that it was
harmless. "They're all a bunch of old coots who can't get it up
any more," he said, "so it's not like we actually provided them with
- Sunday, January 10
- Mr. Blackwell released his annual list of the 10 worst-dressed
women on the planet. Surprisingly, Monica Lewinsky was not on
the list. "That Gap blue dress is quite a nice dress," he said,
"and the stains on it are quite becoming."
- Monday, January 11
- Hustler publisher Larry Flynt announced today that he would be
releasing Hustler's entire subscription list in an effort to embarrass
"the many prominent politicians who claim to hate smut." This
announcement was followed by the immediate resignation of dozens of
congressmen and senators. A press release from Hillary Rodham Clinton
announced that "At least, this is one thing about Bill that wasn't
- Tuesday, January 12
- The International Olympic Committee today announced new rules
regarding the provision of sexual services to Committee delegates
by cities wishing to host Olympic games. "Any city which engages
in the provision of sexual services or content to any delegate
of the male gender must henceforth ensure the availability of a
reasonably supply of Viagra or else such conduct shall be deemed
inappropriate and may result in disqualification."
- Thursday, January 14
- Montréalers laughed at Toronto today as Toronto Mayor
Mel Lastman asked the Armed Forces for assistance in digging out
after a series of storms which threatened to shut down the city.
- Friday, January 15
- A judge in British Columbia declared that the law prohibiting
the possession of child pornography violated the Charter of Rights
and Freedoms. "You wouldn't believe how much money my kids make
starring in this stuff," he said, "and it would violate their rights
to take away that income."
- Saturday, January 16
- Boxer Mike Tyson was accused of attempting to break his opponent's
arm in today's match, his first since he was suspended for biting
Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. "His arm was just too big for me
to get my teeth on," said Tyson, "so I thought I'd break it into
smaller pieces first. Arms is good eats!"
- Monday, January 18
- Torontonians laughed at Montréalers today as the roof of
Montréal's Olympic Stadium collapsed for the second January
in a row. This time, the brand new $37 million "indestructible"
roof, installed after last year's roof couldn't handle a little
ice, couldn't handle a little snow.
- Tuesday, January 19
- Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman announced his retirement today,
the week after superstar Michael Jordan retired from the same team.
Rodman said "I wanna be like Mike!"
- Wednesday, January 20
- Dennis Rodman announced that he's not retiring - he's just taking
a year off. "Yesterday's announcement should be annulled," he said,
"because I was drunk at the time."
- Saturday, January 23
- Several tabloid newspapers reported that Monica Lewinsky is
pregnant. Well-placed sources believe that the father is either
a Don Rafael or a Don Rene Robusto Maduro.
- Tuesday, January 26
- Pope John Paul II today released new guidelines relating to
exorcism. Henry Hyde, chairman of the U.S. House Judiciary Committee
and the man leading the charge to impeach President Clinton, promised
to consider the new guidelines as he continues in the attempt to
cast the President out of the White House.
- Thursday, January 28
- In another major takeover in the automotive industry, Ford today
bought Volvo. "We needed a new box supplier," said a Ford spokeperson,
"and Volvo is famous for making boxes."
- Sunday, January 31
- Scientists announced today that they have strong evidence showing
that AIDS was spread from chimpanzees to humans. "We believe that there
were some rather lonely people," said a researcher, "and chimpanzees
can be really, really friendly, if you know what I mean."
- Tuesday, February 2
- Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty today put on a groundhog
suit and stuck his head out of a hole in the ground as a cheap
publicity stunt. Unfortunately, nobody recognized him; they thought
he was part of a fairground "Mole Bashing" game, and he was hit
repeatedly over the head until be popped back down the hole.
- Friday, February 5
- Toronto radio station CISS-FM switched from country music to
top 40 this evening. "For five years, everyone has been telling
us that country sucks rocks," said the station's general manager.
"We finally realized they were right."
- Thursday, February 11
- A court in Italy has ruled that it is impossible to rape a
woman who is wearing jeans. The court found that jeans could
not be removed without the assistance, or at least consent, of
the wearer. "Believe us, we've tried," said one of the justices.
"I've spent my whole life trying to get into girls' jeans."
- Friday, February 12
- U.S. Senators today acquitted President Bill Clinton of the
charges made in the Articles of Impeachment. "He got off,"
said one senator, "which is something he's apparently very good
- Wednesday, February 17
- Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard today denounced yesterday's
federal budget, in which his province was given an additional $950 million
for health care. "It's unacceptable," he said, "that Ottawa would
give us nearly a billion dollars. Québeckers will not
stand for this kind of treatment."
- Sunday, February 21
- At this weekend's initial United Alternative Conference, right-wing
delegates voted to work towards scrapping the Reform party and building
a new right-wing party with the same leader and same people and similar
platform. "We think this is a big step forward," said one, "and
we believe that the public will see it as a big change."
- Monday, February 22
- Basketball star Dennis Rodman today signed a contract to play
basketball this season, after retiring (or taking a year off, depending
on who you listen to) last month. "Carmen is just way too expensive,"
said Rodman, "and I need a job to pay for all her stuff!"
- Thursday, February 25
- The Supreme Court today ruled on a case of sexual assault in
which lower courts had ruled that the victim, despite having said
"no" at least three times, had given implied consent to sex. The
Supreme Court declared that no means no, and that there is no such
thing as implied consent. The Italian court has filed an appeal,
claiming that women who wear jeans have implied consent.
- Wednesday, March 3
- Monica Lewinksy made her long-awaited television appearance on
20/20. Monica admitted to occasional dates with relatives of men
who dumped her, in order to get under their skin. Bill Clinton
immediately ordered the Secret Service to guard his brother
24 hours a day.
- Friday, March 5
- U.S. President Bill Clinton today issued an apology to the families
killed when an American military plan on a training flight sliced
through the cable for a gondola. "I am deeply sorry," said the President,
"that Monica hadn't been on that gondola."
- Sunday, March 7
- Toronto Hydro performed a Year 2000 readiness test early this
morning. All of the systems involved in supplying power to about a
third of the city were included, and there was no interruption of
service. Officials did warn, however, that some customers would
soon be getting bills covering the period from today to December 31, 1999,
and that if they didn't pay, Hydro would repeat the test, but using
- Monday, March 8
- Monica Lewinsky, in tears, left a book signing today in London after
only five minutes. "The press was out in droves, but I don't think that's
what upset her," said a sympathetic onlooker. "It was all the people
walking up to the table and, instead of asking her to autograph her
book, asking her to autograph a thong."
- Tuesday, March 9
- In a CNN interview, U.S. Vice-President Al Gore claims that
"during my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative
in creating the Internet." In response, Bill Clinton claimed to have
created the microprocessor, George Bush Jr. claimed the Winchester
rifle, Ted Kennedy claimed a miraculous hangover cure as seen on
late-night infomercials, and Dan Quayle claimed to have led the
Apollo moon landing project.
- Thursday, March 11
- International Olympic Committee Vice-President Dick Pound
resigned today from Toronto's bid committee for the 2008 games.
"I felt that with a silly name like mine, I was doing more harm
than good," said Pound.
- Monday, March 15
- A former usher at Maple Leaf Gardens, charged in a pedophile
sex scandal, today denied that he touched any of the boys who accuse
him of abusing them. He went further, claiming that he had never
had sex in his life. "I've never even touched my own ... um,
what do you call it, thing?" he said. The next witness
scheduled to be called in this trial is Bill Clinton, who will
define the term "sex" for the court's benefit.
- Tuesday, March 16
- Olympic rower Silken Laumann retired today, saying she wanted
to spend more time with her young family and doing charity work.
"Between rowing, my son, and my charities, I felt I was biting off
more than I can chew," she said, "even with a mouth like mine."
- Wednesday, March 17
- In celebration of St. Patrick's Day, U.S. President Bill Clinton
was seen wandering around Washington wearing a sign saying "Kiss me,
- Wednesday, March 24
- NATO began bombing raids today on Serbia in an effort to force
Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic to change his name to something
easier to pronounce.
- Thursday, March 25
- Viagra officially went on the market in Canada today. Pfizer,
the maker of the drug, had anticipated soft demand, but were
surprised at bulging lineups for their product. "To be honest, it's
hard to keep our drawers full," said a spokesperson.
- Friday, March 26
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian was found guilty today on a count of
second-degree murder. He will be sentenced next month.
In the meantime, Dr. Kevorkian says that he will work in the
jail's infirmary and is looking forward to applying for the
job as the state's official executioner.
- Sunday, April 11
- Prominent Toronto-area psychic Alfred Narayana was murdered
today. Police are wondering if the murderer was known to Narayana.
"I mean, he's a psychic," said a police spokesperson, "surely he
saw it coming." Police are planning to hold a seance to gather
- Tuesday, April 13
- Dr. Jack Kevorkian was sentenced today for the murder of
which he was convicted last month. The judge commented "I wanted
to say 'Physician, heal thyself', but the law doesn't give that
as an option." So instead of death, he got life.
- Wednesday, April 14
- Pamela Anderson Lee announced today that she is having her breast
implants removed so that her breasts can return to "their natural
state." In related news, stock prices of numerous Internet service
providers and Web sites deflated dramatically in anticipation of
reduced traffic and fewer customers.
- Friday, April 16
- The Web site which originally offered Pamela Anderson's sex tapes
announced that it was attempting to acquire both her used implants
and a video of the operation. In related news, stock prices of
numerous Internet service providers and Web sites went right
back up again.
- Tuesday, April 27
- Ontario's party leaders were asked today if they had ever smoked
pot, in response to a recommendation that possession of small quantities
of marijuana be decriminalized. Mike Harris said no; he preferred
getting wasted on alcohol instead. Dalton McGuinty
said yes, apparently hoping for a Ross Rebagliati-type reaction from
voters. And NDP leader Howard Hampton replied "I'm stoned all the
- Wednesday, April 28
- The association regulating Sumo wrestling has announced that
wrestlers will be required to take body fat tests and those who are
found to have excessive fat will be required to slim down. In related
news, the president of the association was found dead today, apparently
flattened by a Sumo wrestler who had failed his fat test.
- Monday, May 3
- A British supermarket chain has instructed its suppliers to send
smaller melons, claiming that women subconsciously compare the size
of melons to the size of their breasts and most women therefore
don't pick the largest melons. I am not making this up.
- Tuesday, May 4
- The same supermarket chain has also instructed its suppliers to
send smaller nuts in consideration of its male customers.
- Thursday, May 6
- In the first day of campaigning for Ontario's provincial election,
Premier Mike Harris promised to keep hacking and slashing at anything
in sight, Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty promised to remain utterly
unknown should he be elected, and NDP Leader Howard Hampton pledged
that if elected he would once again start smoking pot.
- Monday, May 10
- An AIDS patient today won the right to grow and use marijuana
to alleviate the symptoms of his disease. Reporters asked the
three party leaders in Ontario's election for their comments.
Mike Harris said that the consumption of large quantities of brandy
had always provided him with relief from whatever was bugging him,
and promised that his government would budget an additional $1 billion
a year to buy brandy for patients. Dalton McGuinty said he was so
high on pot that he didn't even know who the Liberal leader was.
Howard Hampton was seen running from doctor to doctor trying to find
something wrong so that he could get a prescription for some weed.
- Tuesday, May 11
- It was revealed today that a porn film entitled "Bubbles Galore"
was partially funded by the Canadian government. In response,
the government noted that at least it used professionals, rather
- Wednesday, May 12
- Toronto city council today to make one of the city's beaches
clothing-optional. Reporters asked the three party leaders in
Ontario's election for their comments. Mike Harris said that
this would ease the burden on the homeless; if they can't afford
clothes, they can always hang out on the beach without fear of
being charged with public indecency, and that they could even use
the lake for bathing because some of them really smell bad and could
use a bath. Dalton McGuinty stood naked on the beach in a cheap
attempt to raise his profile. Howard Hampton revealed that he secretly
runs around the house naked in the middle of the night, and that this
would give him a chance to be a bit more public about it.
- Thursday, May 13
- Ontario Premier Mike Harris found himself in hot water today over
allegations that high school students on one of his campaign buses
were given beer in exchange for their support at campaign events.
Harris, meanwhile, suggested that it could be worse - after all,
he's the one who likes alcohol, while the other two party leaders
- Monday, 24 May
- Toronto's new nude beach officially opened today. In related
news, sightseeing helicopter and airplane flights reported more
bookings than normal.
- Thursday, 27 May
- Health Minister Allan Rock announced today that the marijuana
to be used in clinical trials in Canada should be grown in Canada.
"Of course, the government would have to perform frequent testing to
ensure that the pot is of high quality."
- Friday, 4 June
- The FBI raided boxing promoter Don King's home and offices today.
"We know there are rumours about him fixing fights or being involved
with organized crime," said one agent, "but that's not why we're
here. No, we believe that his hairdo violates some kind of public
- Wednesday, 9 June
- Health Minister Allan Rock today issued a challenge to Canada's
marijuana growers. "The government is looking for local sources of
high-quality marijuana for use in clinical trials," said Rock, "and
besides which, I have a party this weekend and my stash ran out last
- Monday, 14 June
- Québec's Language Police today declared that the current
terminology for the game of golf (fore, birdie, bogey, etc.) was
inappropriate because it's in English. As of St. Jean Baptiste
Day, golf will be covered by the same laws that apply to advertising.
All Québecois golfers will be required to shout the French
word first, and make sure that it's louder than the English word.
- Saturday, 19 June
- Prince Edward got married today. On several occasions, his
divorced brothers offered him advice, and he said "Talk to the
- Sunday, 20 June
- Forbes Magazine today released its list of the world's richest
people. Bill Gates placed first, with a net worth in excess of
$90 billion U.S. Gates announced that he's tired of being on the same
list as all the riff-raff, and he plans to buy them all before
next year's list comes out.
- Sunday, 4 July
- Posh Spice and soccer star David Beckham got married today. A
British magazine paid millions of dollars for exclusive photo access
to their wedding. In related news, several magazines have issued
standing offers to any Spice Girl for exclusive photo access to
the conception of future Spice Babies.
- Tuesday, 6 July
- Gasoline prices in the Toronto area suddenly rose by 10 cents
per litre today. Angry motorists demanded that something be done
to stop what they perceived as gouging. However, reporters
were unable to interview anyone at the major gasoline companies,
due to all the bags of money blocking the doorways.
- Saturday, 17 July
- John F. Kennedy Jr. was feared lost in a plane crash today.
A spokesperson for the family said "Kennedies have tried driving
off bridges and skiing into trees, and it looks like John found
another way to have an accident."
- Wednesday, 21 July
- John F. Kennedy Jr.'s body was recovered from the ocean floor
today. After a search lasting several days and using millions of
dollars of search and rescue equipment, the family plans to dump
his body back in the sea tomorrow, at approximately the same
spot from which he was just raised.
- Thursday, 5 August
- Baseball star Mark McGwire announces that he has stopped
taking androstenedione, the steroid he used last year while breaking
the previous record for home runs in a season. "Me manly enough
already," said McGwire, "me no need more. Ungh!"
- Tuesday, 10 August
- News reports claim that Toronto police have a secret deal not to
lay charges when gays have sex in gay bars. "What these people
do in the privacy of a public place is their own business," said
one officer who was interviewed as he watched, beer in hand.
- Monday, 16 August
- News reports suggest that the Canadian government
is considering plans to double its annual immigration target to half
a million. "We figure a few more of those boatloads of Chinese
should do the trick," said an immigration spokesperson.
- Wednesday, 25 August
- It was disclosed today that Kathie Lee Gifford, co-host of a popular
morning TV show, doesn't like to wear a bra, and in fact usually
doesn't wear one while on the air. "Bras are made in sweatshops,"
said a spokesperson, "and we all know Kathie Lee doesn't like
- Thursday, 26 August
- Television executives said today that the demographics of
the Regis & Kathie Lee morning show have changed dramatically
since yesterday's revelation. "It just used to be middle-aged
housewives watching," said one network executive, "and men
wouldn't watch because Regis is a weenie. But now men are
tuning in to see whether Kathie Lee is wearing a bra."
- Monday, 30 August
- Microsoft today admitted that there had been a security breach
in its Hotmail Web-based email service. "A group of hackers
broke in and read through everyone's mailboxes looking for pictures
of Kathie Lee Gifford without a bra," said a Microsoft spokesperson.
"When they realized that there were only pictures of Anna Nicole
Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee, they went away and left us
- Wednesday, 8 September
- RCMP divers resumed their search of Kokanee Lake in B.C.
today, looking for the body of Michel Trudeau. The son of the
former Prime Minister died in an avalance last winter. A spokesperson
for the family said that they would like to do a JFK Jr. - "We
would like to have his body recovered from the lake so that we
could hire a boat to go out into the lake and drop the body
back where it came from.
- Thursday, 9 September
- Charges were dropped today against a number of gay men who
had been found having sex in a gay bar in Toronto. "We thought
about what would happen if we sent these men to jail," said
the crown attorney, "and realized that it might not be a very
- Friday, 10 September
- News reports suggest that teachers are being encouraged
not to deduct marks for homework or reports which are handed in
late. Nobody has yet been able to provide a clear explanation
of why encouraging lateness is good for students; everyone who
was asked to provide such an explanation said the dog ate
their explanation and it would be a few days late.
- Wednesday, 22 September
- Diana Ross was arrested today at an airport for assaulting a
security guard who had allegedly made contact with her breast while
attempting to perform a routine security screening. "We've had a
lot of people smugging things in their breasts," said a customs
official, "so it's now a policy to check everyone's breasts."
- Thursday, 23 September
- Former Spice Girl Geri Haliwell announced on today's MuchMusic
Video Awards that she's looking for "a nice Canadian man to fertilize
[her] eggs." If this page doesn't get updated for a while, it's
because your faithful columnist is on a quest.
- Monday, 27 September
- Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle today dropped out of the race
to become the Republican party's presidential candidate. "I realized
I couldn't even spell Reehpublickun," said Quayle, "so I'll just go
home and eat a potatoe."
- Monday, 4 October
- Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura's popularity rankings fell dramatically
today, in part because of a Playboy interview in which he says he would
like to be reincarnated as a 38DD bra. "We don't think that's fair,"
said a woman identified as 34A. A 36B said "Small is beautiful, too."
And there were a few protests from women like 44F, who said "He's
not seeing the big picture."
- Tuesday, 19 October
- Elizabeth Dole, wife of former Presidential hopeful Bob Dole,
dropped out of the race for the Republican party's Presidential
nomination today. "I used to think I could do this job," she said,
"but ever since Bob started taking Viagra I can't get a good
- Friday, 22 October
- An Ontario man announced today that he is planning on filing a
class-action lawsuit against all doctors and hospitals who perform
circumcision. We are not making this up.
- Saturday, 23 October
- Mike Tyson disgraced himself in the boxing ring yet again by
punching his opponent after the bell had rung to signal the end of
the round. "But that's the way I learned in jail," said
- Monday, 25 October
- Golfer Payne Stewart died today when his Learjet flew partway
across the United States on autopilot and then plunged into a field
when it ran out of gas. Sonny Bono is reported to have turned over
in his grave and said "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?"
- Sunday, 31 October
- Celtic fiddling sensation Ashley Macisaac admitted that he had
been abusing crack cocaine. "I know you're really supposed to
smoke it," said Macisaac, "but I've been abusing it. I've been peeing
on it. And I know it's wrong."
- Friday, 5 November
- The judge hearing the anti-trust action against Microsoft today
released his preliminary findings, saying that Microsoft had acted
in a monopolistic fashion to the detriment of others. Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates responded that he was disappointed in the
judge's findings, but that there was plenty of time left before
the final judgment would be handed down, and he was confident
that Microsoft could buy the entire U.S. judiciary by then.
- Sunday, 28 November
- Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty survived a vote to
review his leadership today at the party's annual conference.
Observers noted that it's hard to complain about someone you've
never heard of.
- Monday, 29 November
- A Toronto man and his wife are suing Starbucks after the man
claims his penis was damaged by a toilet seat in a Starbucks
location in New York. Starbucks contends that the man mistook
his penis for a stir stick.
- Tuesday, 30 November
- Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard today rejected Prime Minister
Jean Chrétien's offer of a truce in the battle over separatism.
While Bouchard conceded that opinion polls show that the vast majority
of Québeckers are tired of separatism, he stated "Québeckers
are not interested in four years of peace and good government. Québec
without separatism would not have a leg to stand on!"
- Friday, 3 December
- Thrice-disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson announced today that he has
accepted a job to train the son of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi.
"He wants to run fast against sports cars and horses," said Johnson,
"just like me! I believe that working with a respected world leader
like Mr. Gadhafi will help clear my name."
- Sunday, 12 December
- The International Olympic Commission today voted to prohibit IOC
delegates from visiting cities which are bidding on Olympic games.
"By making the bid cities come to us and offer us bribes, instead
of having us go to them to collect bribes, we believe the image
of the Olympic Games will remain untarnished," said IOC President
Juan Antonio Samaranch, sitting on his throne while members of
bid committees fed him grapes and cooled him using large fans.
- Monday, 27 December
- Rap star Sean "Puffy" Combs and his girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez,
were arrested this morning after a violent incident at a New York
nightclub. Police found two guns in his car. Lopez was later
released without charges. A police spokesperson said "Frankly, I
don't know what she sees in this guy. Heck, if all
she wants is to ride around in a car with a guy and some loaded
guns, we've got lots of volunteers back at the precinct."
- Friday, 31 December
- Russian President Boris Yeltsin shocked the world today by
announcing that he was stepping down. Terms of his retirement
were not fully made public, but it is believed that he was
granted a lifetime supply of vodka.
Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this
stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its
contents are copyright © 1999 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights
reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without
prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines are
permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you.
Stop right now!