Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a chronology of the major news stories of 1999.

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Saturday, January 2
The first major snowstorm of the winter sweeps across southern Ontario and into parts of Québec, leaving 40-50 cm of snow in some areas, almost exactly a year after the major ice storm which paralyzed many of the same areas. Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard promises to find out whether the rest of Canada had anything to do with it, suggesting that it may be the first of his "winning conditions" for a referendum on separation.
Sunday, January 3
The Fairbank Hotel, a Toronto strip club which was raided last month, suffered a fire this evening. A fire department spokeperson said that they believe the fire was electrical in nature. "You know, some of those girls really generate electricity!" said the spokesperson, who did not wish to be identified.
Monday, January 4
Elizabeth Dole, wife of former U.S. presidential candidate Bob Dole, retired today from the Red Cross Society and hinted that she may be considering running for the presidency. She denied being coached by her husband. "Elizabeth Dole does not need to be coached by her husband," she said. "Elizabeth Dole is her own woman." She then proceeded to fall off the stage.
Thursday, January 7
Senate hearings began today in the case of U.S. President Bill Clinton. Democrats wanted to keep the hearings short but Republicans insisted that they wanted to call witnesses. "We can't wait to get that Lewinsky chick here," said one senator speaking on condition of anonymity, "and ask her to demonstrate to each and every one of us what, exactly, she did with the President."
Friday, January 8
A rumour spread through the entertainment world today that Baby Spice, of the pop group Spice Girls, was engaged and would shortly be announcing a forthcoming marriage to the 19-yr-old lead singer of another British band. One disbelieving fan says it can't be true. "It just wouldn't be like a Spice Girl to get engaged before she's knocked up," said the fan, whose Web page claims that Baby Spice is going to marry him instead.
Saturday, January 9
It was alleged today that the organizers of Salt Lake City's bid for the Olympic games procured prostitutes to service some visiting International Olympic Committee delegates. In a statement read by his lawyer, one of the organizers claimed that it was harmless. "They're all a bunch of old coots who can't get it up any more," he said, "so it's not like we actually provided them with sex."
Sunday, January 10
Mr. Blackwell released his annual list of the 10 worst-dressed women on the planet. Surprisingly, Monica Lewinsky was not on the list. "That Gap blue dress is quite a nice dress," he said, "and the stains on it are quite becoming."
Monday, January 11
Hustler publisher Larry Flynt announced today that he would be releasing Hustler's entire subscription list in an effort to embarrass "the many prominent politicians who claim to hate smut." This announcement was followed by the immediate resignation of dozens of congressmen and senators. A press release from Hillary Rodham Clinton announced that "At least, this is one thing about Bill that wasn't a surprise."
Tuesday, January 12
The International Olympic Committee today announced new rules regarding the provision of sexual services to Committee delegates by cities wishing to host Olympic games. "Any city which engages in the provision of sexual services or content to any delegate of the male gender must henceforth ensure the availability of a reasonably supply of Viagra or else such conduct shall be deemed inappropriate and may result in disqualification."
Thursday, January 14
Montréalers laughed at Toronto today as Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman asked the Armed Forces for assistance in digging out after a series of storms which threatened to shut down the city.
Friday, January 15
A judge in British Columbia declared that the law prohibiting the possession of child pornography violated the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. "You wouldn't believe how much money my kids make starring in this stuff," he said, "and it would violate their rights to take away that income."
Saturday, January 16
Boxer Mike Tyson was accused of attempting to break his opponent's arm in today's match, his first since he was suspended for biting Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. "His arm was just too big for me to get my teeth on," said Tyson, "so I thought I'd break it into smaller pieces first. Arms is good eats!"
Monday, January 18
Torontonians laughed at Montréalers today as the roof of Montréal's Olympic Stadium collapsed for the second January in a row. This time, the brand new $37 million "indestructible" roof, installed after last year's roof couldn't handle a little ice, couldn't handle a little snow.
Tuesday, January 19
Chicago Bulls star Dennis Rodman announced his retirement today, the week after superstar Michael Jordan retired from the same team. Rodman said "I wanna be like Mike!"
Wednesday, January 20
Dennis Rodman announced that he's not retiring - he's just taking a year off. "Yesterday's announcement should be annulled," he said, "because I was drunk at the time."
Saturday, January 23
Several tabloid newspapers reported that Monica Lewinsky is pregnant. Well-placed sources believe that the father is either a Don Rafael or a Don Rene Robusto Maduro.
Tuesday, January 26
Pope John Paul II today released new guidelines relating to exorcism. Henry Hyde, chairman of the U.S. House Judiciary Committee and the man leading the charge to impeach President Clinton, promised to consider the new guidelines as he continues in the attempt to cast the President out of the White House.
Thursday, January 28
In another major takeover in the automotive industry, Ford today bought Volvo. "We needed a new box supplier," said a Ford spokeperson, "and Volvo is famous for making boxes."
Sunday, January 31
Scientists announced today that they have strong evidence showing that AIDS was spread from chimpanzees to humans. "We believe that there were some rather lonely people," said a researcher, "and chimpanzees can be really, really friendly, if you know what I mean."


Tuesday, February 2
Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty today put on a groundhog suit and stuck his head out of a hole in the ground as a cheap publicity stunt. Unfortunately, nobody recognized him; they thought he was part of a fairground "Mole Bashing" game, and he was hit repeatedly over the head until be popped back down the hole.
Friday, February 5
Toronto radio station CISS-FM switched from country music to top 40 this evening. "For five years, everyone has been telling us that country sucks rocks," said the station's general manager. "We finally realized they were right."
Thursday, February 11
A court in Italy has ruled that it is impossible to rape a woman who is wearing jeans. The court found that jeans could not be removed without the assistance, or at least consent, of the wearer. "Believe us, we've tried," said one of the justices. "I've spent my whole life trying to get into girls' jeans."
Friday, February 12
U.S. Senators today acquitted President Bill Clinton of the charges made in the Articles of Impeachment. "He got off," said one senator, "which is something he's apparently very good at."
Wednesday, February 17
Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard today denounced yesterday's federal budget, in which his province was given an additional $950 million for health care. "It's unacceptable," he said, "that Ottawa would give us nearly a billion dollars. Québeckers will not stand for this kind of treatment."
Sunday, February 21
At this weekend's initial United Alternative Conference, right-wing delegates voted to work towards scrapping the Reform party and building a new right-wing party with the same leader and same people and similar platform. "We think this is a big step forward," said one, "and we believe that the public will see it as a big change."
Monday, February 22
Basketball star Dennis Rodman today signed a contract to play basketball this season, after retiring (or taking a year off, depending on who you listen to) last month. "Carmen is just way too expensive," said Rodman, "and I need a job to pay for all her stuff!"
Thursday, February 25
The Supreme Court today ruled on a case of sexual assault in which lower courts had ruled that the victim, despite having said "no" at least three times, had given implied consent to sex. The Supreme Court declared that no means no, and that there is no such thing as implied consent. The Italian court has filed an appeal, claiming that women who wear jeans have implied consent.


Wednesday, March 3
Monica Lewinksy made her long-awaited television appearance on 20/20. Monica admitted to occasional dates with relatives of men who dumped her, in order to get under their skin. Bill Clinton immediately ordered the Secret Service to guard his brother 24 hours a day.
Friday, March 5
U.S. President Bill Clinton today issued an apology to the families killed when an American military plan on a training flight sliced through the cable for a gondola. "I am deeply sorry," said the President, "that Monica hadn't been on that gondola."
Sunday, March 7
Toronto Hydro performed a Year 2000 readiness test early this morning. All of the systems involved in supplying power to about a third of the city were included, and there was no interruption of service. Officials did warn, however, that some customers would soon be getting bills covering the period from today to December 31, 1999, and that if they didn't pay, Hydro would repeat the test, but using non-Y2k-compliant computers.
Monday, March 8
Monica Lewinsky, in tears, left a book signing today in London after only five minutes. "The press was out in droves, but I don't think that's what upset her," said a sympathetic onlooker. "It was all the people walking up to the table and, instead of asking her to autograph her book, asking her to autograph a thong."
Tuesday, March 9
In a CNN interview, U.S. Vice-President Al Gore claims that "during my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet." In response, Bill Clinton claimed to have created the microprocessor, George Bush Jr. claimed the Winchester rifle, Ted Kennedy claimed a miraculous hangover cure as seen on late-night infomercials, and Dan Quayle claimed to have led the Apollo moon landing project.
Thursday, March 11
International Olympic Committee Vice-President Dick Pound resigned today from Toronto's bid committee for the 2008 games. "I felt that with a silly name like mine, I was doing more harm than good," said Pound.
Monday, March 15
A former usher at Maple Leaf Gardens, charged in a pedophile sex scandal, today denied that he touched any of the boys who accuse him of abusing them. He went further, claiming that he had never had sex in his life. "I've never even touched my own ... um, what do you call it, thing?" he said. The next witness scheduled to be called in this trial is Bill Clinton, who will define the term "sex" for the court's benefit.
Tuesday, March 16
Olympic rower Silken Laumann retired today, saying she wanted to spend more time with her young family and doing charity work. "Between rowing, my son, and my charities, I felt I was biting off more than I can chew," she said, "even with a mouth like mine."
Wednesday, March 17
In celebration of St. Patrick's Day, U.S. President Bill Clinton was seen wandering around Washington wearing a sign saying "Kiss me, I'm Irish!"
Wednesday, March 24
NATO began bombing raids today on Serbia in an effort to force Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic to change his name to something easier to pronounce.
Thursday, March 25
Viagra officially went on the market in Canada today. Pfizer, the maker of the drug, had anticipated soft demand, but were surprised at bulging lineups for their product. "To be honest, it's hard to keep our drawers full," said a spokesperson.
Friday, March 26
Dr. Jack Kevorkian was found guilty today on a count of second-degree murder. He will be sentenced next month. In the meantime, Dr. Kevorkian says that he will work in the jail's infirmary and is looking forward to applying for the job as the state's official executioner.


Sunday, April 11
Prominent Toronto-area psychic Alfred Narayana was murdered today. Police are wondering if the murderer was known to Narayana. "I mean, he's a psychic," said a police spokesperson, "surely he saw it coming." Police are planning to hold a seance to gather further information.
Tuesday, April 13
Dr. Jack Kevorkian was sentenced today for the murder of which he was convicted last month. The judge commented "I wanted to say 'Physician, heal thyself', but the law doesn't give that as an option." So instead of death, he got life.
Wednesday, April 14
Pamela Anderson Lee announced today that she is having her breast implants removed so that her breasts can return to "their natural state." In related news, stock prices of numerous Internet service providers and Web sites deflated dramatically in anticipation of reduced traffic and fewer customers.
Friday, April 16
The Web site which originally offered Pamela Anderson's sex tapes announced that it was attempting to acquire both her used implants and a video of the operation. In related news, stock prices of numerous Internet service providers and Web sites went right back up again.
Tuesday, April 27
Ontario's party leaders were asked today if they had ever smoked pot, in response to a recommendation that possession of small quantities of marijuana be decriminalized. Mike Harris said no; he preferred getting wasted on alcohol instead. Dalton McGuinty said yes, apparently hoping for a Ross Rebagliati-type reaction from voters. And NDP leader Howard Hampton replied "I'm stoned all the time, dude!"
Wednesday, April 28
The association regulating Sumo wrestling has announced that wrestlers will be required to take body fat tests and those who are found to have excessive fat will be required to slim down. In related news, the president of the association was found dead today, apparently flattened by a Sumo wrestler who had failed his fat test.


Monday, May 3
A British supermarket chain has instructed its suppliers to send smaller melons, claiming that women subconsciously compare the size of melons to the size of their breasts and most women therefore don't pick the largest melons. I am not making this up.
Tuesday, May 4
The same supermarket chain has also instructed its suppliers to send smaller nuts in consideration of its male customers.
Thursday, May 6
In the first day of campaigning for Ontario's provincial election, Premier Mike Harris promised to keep hacking and slashing at anything in sight, Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty promised to remain utterly unknown should he be elected, and NDP Leader Howard Hampton pledged that if elected he would once again start smoking pot.
Monday, May 10
An AIDS patient today won the right to grow and use marijuana to alleviate the symptoms of his disease. Reporters asked the three party leaders in Ontario's election for their comments. Mike Harris said that the consumption of large quantities of brandy had always provided him with relief from whatever was bugging him, and promised that his government would budget an additional $1 billion a year to buy brandy for patients. Dalton McGuinty said he was so high on pot that he didn't even know who the Liberal leader was. Howard Hampton was seen running from doctor to doctor trying to find something wrong so that he could get a prescription for some weed.
Tuesday, May 11
It was revealed today that a porn film entitled "Bubbles Galore" was partially funded by the Canadian government. In response, the government noted that at least it used professionals, rather than interns.
Wednesday, May 12
Toronto city council today to make one of the city's beaches clothing-optional. Reporters asked the three party leaders in Ontario's election for their comments. Mike Harris said that this would ease the burden on the homeless; if they can't afford clothes, they can always hang out on the beach without fear of being charged with public indecency, and that they could even use the lake for bathing because some of them really smell bad and could use a bath. Dalton McGuinty stood naked on the beach in a cheap attempt to raise his profile. Howard Hampton revealed that he secretly runs around the house naked in the middle of the night, and that this would give him a chance to be a bit more public about it.
Thursday, May 13
Ontario Premier Mike Harris found himself in hot water today over allegations that high school students on one of his campaign buses were given beer in exchange for their support at campaign events. Harris, meanwhile, suggested that it could be worse - after all, he's the one who likes alcohol, while the other two party leaders prefer pot.
Monday, 24 May
Toronto's new nude beach officially opened today. In related news, sightseeing helicopter and airplane flights reported more bookings than normal.
Thursday, 27 May
Health Minister Allan Rock announced today that the marijuana to be used in clinical trials in Canada should be grown in Canada. "Of course, the government would have to perform frequent testing to ensure that the pot is of high quality."


Friday, 4 June
The FBI raided boxing promoter Don King's home and offices today. "We know there are rumours about him fixing fights or being involved with organized crime," said one agent, "but that's not why we're here. No, we believe that his hairdo violates some kind of public decency statute!"
Wednesday, 9 June
Health Minister Allan Rock today issued a challenge to Canada's marijuana growers. "The government is looking for local sources of high-quality marijuana for use in clinical trials," said Rock, "and besides which, I have a party this weekend and my stash ran out last month."
Monday, 14 June
Québec's Language Police today declared that the current terminology for the game of golf (fore, birdie, bogey, etc.) was inappropriate because it's in English. As of St. Jean Baptiste Day, golf will be covered by the same laws that apply to advertising. All Québecois golfers will be required to shout the French word first, and make sure that it's louder than the English word.
Saturday, 19 June
Prince Edward got married today. On several occasions, his divorced brothers offered him advice, and he said "Talk to the hand!"
Sunday, 20 June
Forbes Magazine today released its list of the world's richest people. Bill Gates placed first, with a net worth in excess of $90 billion U.S. Gates announced that he's tired of being on the same list as all the riff-raff, and he plans to buy them all before next year's list comes out.


Sunday, 4 July
Posh Spice and soccer star David Beckham got married today. A British magazine paid millions of dollars for exclusive photo access to their wedding. In related news, several magazines have issued standing offers to any Spice Girl for exclusive photo access to the conception of future Spice Babies.
Tuesday, 6 July
Gasoline prices in the Toronto area suddenly rose by 10 cents per litre today. Angry motorists demanded that something be done to stop what they perceived as gouging. However, reporters were unable to interview anyone at the major gasoline companies, due to all the bags of money blocking the doorways.
Saturday, 17 July
John F. Kennedy Jr. was feared lost in a plane crash today. A spokesperson for the family said "Kennedies have tried driving off bridges and skiing into trees, and it looks like John found another way to have an accident."
Wednesday, 21 July
John F. Kennedy Jr.'s body was recovered from the ocean floor today. After a search lasting several days and using millions of dollars of search and rescue equipment, the family plans to dump his body back in the sea tomorrow, at approximately the same spot from which he was just raised.


Thursday, 5 August
Baseball star Mark McGwire announces that he has stopped taking androstenedione, the steroid he used last year while breaking the previous record for home runs in a season. "Me manly enough already," said McGwire, "me no need more. Ungh!"
Tuesday, 10 August
News reports claim that Toronto police have a secret deal not to lay charges when gays have sex in gay bars. "What these people do in the privacy of a public place is their own business," said one officer who was interviewed as he watched, beer in hand.
Monday, 16 August
News reports suggest that the Canadian government is considering plans to double its annual immigration target to half a million. "We figure a few more of those boatloads of Chinese should do the trick," said an immigration spokesperson.
Wednesday, 25 August
It was disclosed today that Kathie Lee Gifford, co-host of a popular morning TV show, doesn't like to wear a bra, and in fact usually doesn't wear one while on the air. "Bras are made in sweatshops," said a spokesperson, "and we all know Kathie Lee doesn't like sweatshops."
Thursday, 26 August
Television executives said today that the demographics of the Regis & Kathie Lee morning show have changed dramatically since yesterday's revelation. "It just used to be middle-aged housewives watching," said one network executive, "and men wouldn't watch because Regis is a weenie. But now men are tuning in to see whether Kathie Lee is wearing a bra."
Monday, 30 August
Microsoft today admitted that there had been a security breach in its Hotmail Web-based email service. "A group of hackers broke in and read through everyone's mailboxes looking for pictures of Kathie Lee Gifford without a bra," said a Microsoft spokesperson. "When they realized that there were only pictures of Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee, they went away and left us alone."


Wednesday, 8 September
RCMP divers resumed their search of Kokanee Lake in B.C. today, looking for the body of Michel Trudeau. The son of the former Prime Minister died in an avalance last winter. A spokesperson for the family said that they would like to do a JFK Jr. - "We would like to have his body recovered from the lake so that we could hire a boat to go out into the lake and drop the body back where it came from.
Thursday, 9 September
Charges were dropped today against a number of gay men who had been found having sex in a gay bar in Toronto. "We thought about what would happen if we sent these men to jail," said the crown attorney, "and realized that it might not be a very useful penalty."
Friday, 10 September
News reports suggest that teachers are being encouraged not to deduct marks for homework or reports which are handed in late. Nobody has yet been able to provide a clear explanation of why encouraging lateness is good for students; everyone who was asked to provide such an explanation said the dog ate their explanation and it would be a few days late.
Wednesday, 22 September
Diana Ross was arrested today at an airport for assaulting a security guard who had allegedly made contact with her breast while attempting to perform a routine security screening. "We've had a lot of people smugging things in their breasts," said a customs official, "so it's now a policy to check everyone's breasts."
Thursday, 23 September
Former Spice Girl Geri Haliwell announced on today's MuchMusic Video Awards that she's looking for "a nice Canadian man to fertilize [her] eggs." If this page doesn't get updated for a while, it's because your faithful columnist is on a quest.
Monday, 27 September
Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle today dropped out of the race to become the Republican party's presidential candidate. "I realized I couldn't even spell Reehpublickun," said Quayle, "so I'll just go home and eat a potatoe."


Monday, 4 October
Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura's popularity rankings fell dramatically today, in part because of a Playboy interview in which he says he would like to be reincarnated as a 38DD bra. "We don't think that's fair," said a woman identified as 34A. A 36B said "Small is beautiful, too." And there were a few protests from women like 44F, who said "He's not seeing the big picture."
Tuesday, 19 October
Elizabeth Dole, wife of former Presidential hopeful Bob Dole, dropped out of the race for the Republican party's Presidential nomination today. "I used to think I could do this job," she said, "but ever since Bob started taking Viagra I can't get a good night's sleep!"
Friday, 22 October
An Ontario man announced today that he is planning on filing a class-action lawsuit against all doctors and hospitals who perform circumcision. We are not making this up.
Saturday, 23 October
Mike Tyson disgraced himself in the boxing ring yet again by punching his opponent after the bell had rung to signal the end of the round. "But that's the way I learned in jail," said Tyson.
Monday, 25 October
Golfer Payne Stewart died today when his Learjet flew partway across the United States on autopilot and then plunged into a field when it ran out of gas. Sonny Bono is reported to have turned over in his grave and said "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?"
Sunday, 31 October
Celtic fiddling sensation Ashley Macisaac admitted that he had been abusing crack cocaine. "I know you're really supposed to smoke it," said Macisaac, "but I've been abusing it. I've been peeing on it. And I know it's wrong."


Friday, 5 November
The judge hearing the anti-trust action against Microsoft today released his preliminary findings, saying that Microsoft had acted in a monopolistic fashion to the detriment of others. Microsoft chairman Bill Gates responded that he was disappointed in the judge's findings, but that there was plenty of time left before the final judgment would be handed down, and he was confident that Microsoft could buy the entire U.S. judiciary by then.
Sunday, 28 November
Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty survived a vote to review his leadership today at the party's annual conference. Observers noted that it's hard to complain about someone you've never heard of.
Monday, 29 November
A Toronto man and his wife are suing Starbucks after the man claims his penis was damaged by a toilet seat in a Starbucks location in New York. Starbucks contends that the man mistook his penis for a stir stick.
Tuesday, 30 November
Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard today rejected Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's offer of a truce in the battle over separatism. While Bouchard conceded that opinion polls show that the vast majority of Québeckers are tired of separatism, he stated "Québeckers are not interested in four years of peace and good government. Québec without separatism would not have a leg to stand on!"


Friday, 3 December
Thrice-disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson announced today that he has accepted a job to train the son of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi. "He wants to run fast against sports cars and horses," said Johnson, "just like me! I believe that working with a respected world leader like Mr. Gadhafi will help clear my name."
Sunday, 12 December
The International Olympic Commission today voted to prohibit IOC delegates from visiting cities which are bidding on Olympic games. "By making the bid cities come to us and offer us bribes, instead of having us go to them to collect bribes, we believe the image of the Olympic Games will remain untarnished," said IOC President Juan Antonio Samaranch, sitting on his throne while members of bid committees fed him grapes and cooled him using large fans.
Monday, 27 December
Rap star Sean "Puffy" Combs and his girlfriend, Jennifer Lopez, were arrested this morning after a violent incident at a New York nightclub. Police found two guns in his car. Lopez was later released without charges. A police spokesperson said "Frankly, I don't know what she sees in this guy. Heck, if all she wants is to ride around in a car with a guy and some loaded guns, we've got lots of volunteers back at the precinct."
Friday, 31 December
Russian President Boris Yeltsin shocked the world today by announcing that he was stepping down. Terms of his retirement were not fully made public, but it is believed that he was granted a lifetime supply of vodka.

Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its contents are copyright © 1999 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines are permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you. Stop right now!