Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a
chronology of the major news stories of 2000.
- Saturday, January 1
- The lights didn't go out, the banks didn't go bankrupt, and
reports of problems were rare as the world successfully turned
the corner into the year 1900.
- Monday, January 10
- Melissa Etheridge announced today that she had named her
favourite turkey baster "David Crosby" in honour of the father
of her children.
- Monday, January 24
- Plus-sized model and actress Camryn Manheim showed up at the
People's Choice awards wearing a tight outfit that showed a lot of
cleavage, and proceeded to grab passersby and shove their faces
into her bust. "I'm not Diana Ross," said Manheim, "nobody
wants to frisk my boobs when I go through airports, so I have to
be a little more creative."
- Tuesday, January 25
- Celtic fiddler Ashley MacIsaac today admitted that he is filing
for bankruptcy. "I don't know where all my money went," he said.
"I guess I must have pissed it all away."
- Sunday, January 30
- The Reform Party today approved a new name during the United
Alternative Conference. When politicians choose to call their
party CRAP (Conservative Reform Alliance Party), what more is there
- Monday, January 31
- Embarrassed Nobel Prize officials today said that U.S. President
Bill Clinton's nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize was in error.
"Our English is not very good," said one, "and when we heard of
his heroic efforts to get a piece, we misunderstood."
- Tuesday, February 1
- The Reform Party, embarrassed over its CRAPpy new name, changed
the proposed name today by rearranging the words. The new name is
Conservative Alliance Reform Party, or CARP. "We thought there was
something fishy with the previous acronym," said a Reform
spokesman, "so we felt the new name was more appropriate."
- Tuesday, February 8
- In response to this week's wave of Internet hacking which crashed
a number of well-known Web sites, U.S. President Bill Clinton expressed
his concern and said that he had many people who know more about computers
than he does working on it. Vice-President Al Gore held a press
conference, saying "I can fix it - after all, I invented the Internet!"
- Sunday, February 20
- Adverse publicity over the show Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire
has prompted Fox to cancel a planned re-run. Fox said, however, that
they are working on developing several shows based on the same concept,
but with urban (Who Wants To Marry This Crack Ho), political
(Who Wants To Snort Coke With Dubya),
science-fiction (Who Wants To Be Abducted By An Alien), and
reality (Who Wants To Marry Some Guy They Saw On COPS)
- Monday, February 21
- A group of truckers, upset over the dramatic increase in the price
of diesel fuel, said they could no longer make money by driving their
trucks. Instead, they formed slow-moving convoys on major highways.
One trucker explained it by saying "Diesel fuel costs so much eh, we
figured that if we drive down the highway and don't carry any load
we can save some money, or maybe we'll go broke or something eh, I
don't know but it seemed like a good idea last night at the bar.
Hey buddy, got any Aspirin? I've got a wicked hangover, eh."
- Wednesday, February 23
- Figure skater Tonya Harding, who attained infamy by having her
husband (at the time) whack Nancy Kerrigan in the knee, today
whacked her boyfriend in the face with a hubcap. "I'm a different
person than I was then," said Harding. "I no longer need to
have someone else do my work for me. I'm just sorry I damaged
this nice hubcap."
- Thursday, February 24
- Angry truckers today blocked the entrances to GM's Oshawa assembly
plant as part of their ongoing protest over the high cost of
diesel fuel. "GM is the only major customer of ours who has offered
to increase they rates they pay us to compensate for the increased
cost of diesel," said one trucker, "so we thought maybe if we blockade
their plant and piss them off they'll be our friends, eh. Or something
like that, I don't know but it seemed like a good idea last night at
the bar. Hey buddy, got any Aspirin? I spent all my fuel money on
beer and I've got a wicked hangover, eh."
- Friday, February 25
- Angry truckers today blocked the fuel storage depots of two major
oil companies in Toronto as part of their ongoing protest over the high
cost of diesel fuel. "We figure, you know, if we, like, block them,
they won't be able to send any fuel out, and then we, like, won't be
able to buy it?" said one trucker. "And that means we'll save money
on fuel. Or something like that, I don't know but it seemed like a
good idea last night at the bar. Hey buddy, got any Aspirin? I was
sniffing my fuel tanks and now I've got this wicked headache."
- Sunday, March 12
- The Pope today apologized for 2000 years of sins committed by
the Catholic Church. In a televised mass at the Vatican, he said,
- Monday, March 13
- After further pressure from groups saying that the Pope's
apology didn't go far enough, he also apologized for Ricky
Martin. "I should have called down the lightning of God upon
him," said the Pontiff.
- Monday, March 20
- Oil prices dropped under $30 per barrel today for the first time
in weeks, spurring the federal government to commission a study on
how gas pricing works. "We know the price go up, and the price go
down, so we do a study," said Prime Minister Jean Chrétien.
- Sunday, March 26
- The members of the Reform party today voted strongly in favour
of terminating the party and creating a new party. Reform leader
Preston Manning said "Over the last decade, the people of Canada
have grown tired of hearing my whiny voice saying Re-foooarm!
Now they can hear my whiny voice saying something else!"
- Wednesday, March 29
- The Parti Québécois today berated France for not
being French enough, in response to the French government having
declared that communication between Air France pilots and Parisian air
traffic controllers should take place in English. "We have nothing
better to do," said a PQ spokesperson, "and besides which, they are
not pure wool."
- Thursday, March 30
- Québec's Language Police has told a shopkeeper he is
not French enough. "He speaks French and English to his customers,
but his native language is not French," said a spokesperson for the
language cops, "so we don't like him. We have the power. And
besides which, we have nothing better to do."
- Monday, April 3
- Microsoft was found guilty today of monopolistic activities in
the software industry. The judge told Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
"Go to your room! You've been a very, very bad boy."
- Sunday, April 9
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien responded today to complaints
by Palestinians that he had no plans to visit their sections of Jerusalem
during his middle east visit. "I have no idea if I am in North
Jerusalem, South Jerusalem, East Jerusalem, or West Jerusalem," said
the Prime Minister, "but I am going here, so I am here, so here I am."
Palestinians, not used to Chrétien's unusual logic, were left
speechless. "I don't know what he just said," said one.
- Monday, April 10
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien waded deeper into the Palestinian
question today when he said that Canada supports the notion of a
unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) by Yasser Arafat. When
asked if this philosophy also applies to Québec, he said "Québec
is not Palestine, and Palestine is not Québec, and if the two
are different, so they are different, and so it doesn't apply because
they are different, so it doesn't apply." Québec Premier
Lucien Bouchard said that he didn't feel a need to respond to
this statement - the first sensible thing Bouchard has said in
- Tuesday, April 11
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien declared today that Israel
should not return to Syria the Sea of Galilee, captured during a
war some decades ago. "It is a lake, a nice lake, full of water and
other lake things," said Chrétien, "and it is in Israel now,
and it has been in Israel for many year, so it is in Israel, and
we believe it is in Israel." Syrian officials were unable to
respond, claiming that they need a translator to figure out what
- Thursday, April 13
- NRA President Charlton Heston addressed a meeting of a B.C.
wildlife society today. "We believe that the only way to preserve
wildlife," said Heston, "is to shoot it and kill it."
- Thursday, May 4
- Thousands of distraught computer users panicked
today as a worm known as "ILOVEYOU" destroyed all of their video
and music files. "It's taken me months to build my collection," said
one. "What will I do at work all day now that I don't have my pornos
to watch and pirated music to listen to?"
- Thursday, May 5
- New York Mayor, and Senate candidate, Rudy Giuliani announced
today that he is leaving his wife for his mistress. "This is yet
another reason to vote for me instead of Hillary," said
Giuliani, "because at least I have the balls to leave my spouse!"
- Tuesday, May 16
- The artist formerly known as Prince announced today that he's
now going to be Prince, the artist formerly known as an
unpronouceable symbol, previously formerly known as Prince. "My
name wasn't long enough," he said, "and I didn't feel I was getting
the respect I deserve."
- Wednesday, May 17
- Human Resources revealed today that it has a detailed database
about almost everyone in Canada, plus many dead people. "We, uh,
need this information because, um, well, we think that every Canadian
has, at some time, received one of those grants we've heard about
and we want to know all about them so we can help them. Yeah,
- Friday, May 19
- New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the Senate race
today, citing the stress of his prostate cancer. "With my prostate
condition," he said, "I don't think I'd be able to provide proper
service to the interns in Washington."
- Tuesday, May 23
- Tonya Harding was released from prison today and began the
community service to which she was sentenced for whacking her
then boyfriend in the face with a hubcap. "I'm cleaning up
the roadside," she said. "You know, picking up trash. And
hubcaps. It's something I have lots of experience at."
- Wednesday, May 24
- Billy Corgan and his band, The Smashing Pumpkins, today
announced that they will be disbanding at the end of the year.
"Despite our best efforts, we are outsold by bubblegum groups
like Britney Spears," said Corgan, "and we just can't fight the
fight any more. And hey, her pumpkins are way more smashing
than ours, anyway."
- Monday, May 29
- Microsoft officials denied a news story that they were
considering moving to Canada to avoid the U.S. Department of
Justice. "It is absolutely untrue that we're moving to
Canada," said one spokesperson. "What's really happening
is that we're buying Canada."
- Sunday, June 4
- Protesters at a meeting of the Organization of American States
were pepper-sprayed today, as were some members of the media. "We
were just trying to see if we could get that Terry Milewski guy,"
said a police spokesperson.
- Monday, June 5
- Teen pop sensation Britney Spears revealed today how she
came up with the title of her sophomore album, Oops ... I did it
again. "I was, like, going to the doctor, you know, for a checkup,
and when I got home it was like, 'Omigawd!' He'd given me breast
implants. Just like last year, so like that's where the title
- Friday, June 9
- Pop diva Céline Dion announced today that she is
pregnant. Celebrity watchers weren't surprised. One said "We
all knew she was pregnant about a week ago. Even though she's only
two weeks pregnant, look at her - she's showing already!"
- Saturday, June 10
- Céline Dion's doctor today announced that he
had made a terrible mistake, and that she was not, in fact, pregnant.
"She had eaten half a muffin the day before she came in for her
ultrasound," said the doctor. "It's the first time I've ever found
traces of food in her system, and hey, it's hard to tell one lump
from another on an ultrasound."
- Friday, June 16
- Mike Tyson proclaimed that he wants to eat Lennox Lewis' kids.
"They got more meat on them than that ear did," said Tyson, "and
a man needs meat."
- Sunday, July 2
- For the first time in over 70 years, Mexico elected a president
from a different party. "Hey, this guy has a cool moustache," said
- Monday, July 3
- A Canadian biathlete, training in a wooded area in Québec,
was mauled to death by a black bear today. "Hey, if Mike Tyson can
eat Lennox Lewis' kids, I can eat biathletes," said the bear.
- Tuesday, July 4
- Boxing promoter Don King today announced that he had signed the
biathlete-mauling bear to be Mike Tyson's next opponent.
- Monday, July 17
- The Argentinian government is claiming victory in their fight
to have former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher put on
trial for war crimes related to the Falklands conflict in the 1980s,
in which a British submarine torpedoed an Argentinian warship.
"You sunk my battleship!" said a spokesperson for the Argentinian
- Tuesday, July 25
- U.S. Presidential candidate George W. "Dubya" Bush announced today
that Dick Cheney will be his running mate. "Every Bush needs a
Dick," said Dubya.
- Thursday, September 7
- Britney Spears appeared on the MTV Video Awards this evening
and shed almost all of her clothes within seconds of appearing on
stage. "Calm your hormones, guys," she said, "I'm not doing it to
be sexy. It was really hot on stage. You wouldn't believe how
much cooler you feel in a skimpy flesh-coloured bra and thong."
- Tuesday, September 19
- Melissa Etheridge and her long-time companion Julie Cypher announced
today that they were breaking up. "I'm hoping she'll do an Anne Heche
on us - that was really interesting!" said a spokesperson.
- Monday, September 25
- American shot put champion C. J. Hunter failed four drug
tests so far this year, said a source which also claimed that his
testosterone level was 1000 times above normal. "Hey, I didn't
take no drugs," said Hunter, "I just have big nads."
- Tuesday, September 26
- Marion Jones, the star sprinter who is C. J. Hunter's wife,
agreed with her husband. "He's got real big nads," said Jones.
- Wednesday, September 27
- Former Olympics track star Linford Christie, known as Mr. Lunch
Box for being so well-hung, weighed in on the C. J. Hunter controversy
today. "He may have big nads," said Christie, "but they're not as big
- Thursday, October 12
- Dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford, who made headlines in 1998 after
her arrest for running an S&M dungeon, was denied in her attempt
to have the courts recognize her work as a legitimate profession.
"You have been a very, very bad girl," said the Supreme Court.
"Bend over and let us spank you."
- Wednesday, November 1
- Former Newfoundland Premier Brian Tobin said "Being attacked
by Joe Clark is a little bit like trying to fend off a wet noodle,"
adding "I prefer being whipped by a turbot."
- Tuesday, November 7
- Americans elected a new President today. It's Dubya. No, wait!
It's Algore! No, wait! It's Dubya! Um, well, they'll have it figured
out by tomorrow, I'm sure.
- Wednesday, November 8
- Algore threatened to sue the state of Florida, the government of
Florida, and all of the citizens of Florida if he didn't win the
- Thursday, November 9
- In the English-language debate,
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien managed to keep his temper in
check, largely due to the Valium he'd slipped into his pitcher of water
- Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell Day held up a sign declaring
that he would call for a manual recount of all votes cast by
snowbirds in Florida if he ended up tied with the Liberals
- Progressive Conservative leader Joe Who shook his jowls furiously
- New Democrat leader Alexa McDonut repeatedly begged for paramedics
to revive her campaign
- Bloc Québecois leader Gilles "Deception" Duceppe claimed
that Canada was created by the biker gangs solely to annoy the
sovereign nation of Québec
- Moderator Ann Medina, who did not smile or laugh all night, signed
off by saying "This is Ann Medina. I'm not having any fun, and I'll
make darn sure you aren't, either. Good night."
- Friday, November 10
- Minnesota governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura warned the warring
factions in the presidential race that he would personally body-slam
them if his party's candidate, Pat Buchanan, didn't get declared the
winner in Florida.
- Saturday, November 11
- The American people told Dubya and Algore to "shut the $#*%& up!"
- Sunday, November 12
- Leaving his church this morning, Algore said he had prayed that
he would win the election and that "God told me that he is a Democrat."
Later, in hospital, Algore said that he didn't duck in time to avoid
the lightning bolt.
- Monday, November 13
- The TV show This Hour Has 22 Minutes unveiled an
to force Stockwell Day into a referendum to change his name to Doris Day.
- Tuesday, November 14
- As the deadline passed for all Florida counties to certify their
vote counts, Dubya declared victory. So did Algore. The American people
once again said "Shut the @%$& up!"
- Wednesday, November 15
- Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell "Doris" Day declares that he believes
the Biblical theory of creationism. "Dinosaurs and human beings roamed
the earth at the same time. They still do," said Day, pointing to
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien. "God created the seventh day as a
day of rest, and for political leaders to have picnics well within the
range of press photographers," Day added.
- Thursday, November 16
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced today that he's
thinking of retiring in three years. This comes just a few weeks
after he said he will serve his full term as Prime Minister if
elected later this month. When asked to explain the discrepancy,
he said "Well, you know how I like to call early elections, so
maybe this time you're only voting for me for three years or so."
- Saturday, November 18
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, accused of a breach of ethics
in arranging a loan for a friend who bought a hotel from Chrétien
and some of his business associates, said today that he did nothing
wrong. "I did something, but it was not wrong, so I did nothing
wrong." Thanks for clearing that up.
- Sunday, November 19
- Betty Granger, a Canadian Alliance candidate in Winnipeg, withdrew
from the race today after having made racist comments. "The Canadian
Alliance is a party without racism," she said in her resignation
speech, "and I wouldn't want to taint that lily-white ... er, I mean,
Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this
stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its
contents are copyright © 2000 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights
reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without
prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines are
permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you.
Stop right now!