Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a chronology of the major news stories of 2000.

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Saturday, January 1
The lights didn't go out, the banks didn't go bankrupt, and reports of problems were rare as the world successfully turned the corner into the year 1900.
Monday, January 10
Melissa Etheridge announced today that she had named her favourite turkey baster "David Crosby" in honour of the father of her children.
Monday, January 24
Plus-sized model and actress Camryn Manheim showed up at the People's Choice awards wearing a tight outfit that showed a lot of cleavage, and proceeded to grab passersby and shove their faces into her bust. "I'm not Diana Ross," said Manheim, "nobody wants to frisk my boobs when I go through airports, so I have to be a little more creative."
Tuesday, January 25
Celtic fiddler Ashley MacIsaac today admitted that he is filing for bankruptcy. "I don't know where all my money went," he said. "I guess I must have pissed it all away."
Sunday, January 30
The Reform Party today approved a new name during the United Alternative Conference. When politicians choose to call their party CRAP (Conservative Reform Alliance Party), what more is there to say?
Monday, January 31
Embarrassed Nobel Prize officials today said that U.S. President Bill Clinton's nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize was in error. "Our English is not very good," said one, "and when we heard of his heroic efforts to get a piece, we misunderstood."


Tuesday, February 1
The Reform Party, embarrassed over its CRAPpy new name, changed the proposed name today by rearranging the words. The new name is Conservative Alliance Reform Party, or CARP. "We thought there was something fishy with the previous acronym," said a Reform spokesman, "so we felt the new name was more appropriate."
Tuesday, February 8
In response to this week's wave of Internet hacking which crashed a number of well-known Web sites, U.S. President Bill Clinton expressed his concern and said that he had many people who know more about computers than he does working on it. Vice-President Al Gore held a press conference, saying "I can fix it - after all, I invented the Internet!"
Sunday, February 20
Adverse publicity over the show Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire has prompted Fox to cancel a planned re-run. Fox said, however, that they are working on developing several shows based on the same concept, but with urban (Who Wants To Marry This Crack Ho), political (Who Wants To Snort Coke With Dubya), science-fiction (Who Wants To Be Abducted By An Alien), and reality (Who Wants To Marry Some Guy They Saw On COPS) angles.
Monday, February 21
A group of truckers, upset over the dramatic increase in the price of diesel fuel, said they could no longer make money by driving their trucks. Instead, they formed slow-moving convoys on major highways. One trucker explained it by saying "Diesel fuel costs so much eh, we figured that if we drive down the highway and don't carry any load we can save some money, or maybe we'll go broke or something eh, I don't know but it seemed like a good idea last night at the bar. Hey buddy, got any Aspirin? I've got a wicked hangover, eh."
Wednesday, February 23
Figure skater Tonya Harding, who attained infamy by having her husband (at the time) whack Nancy Kerrigan in the knee, today whacked her boyfriend in the face with a hubcap. "I'm a different person than I was then," said Harding. "I no longer need to have someone else do my work for me. I'm just sorry I damaged this nice hubcap."
Thursday, February 24
Angry truckers today blocked the entrances to GM's Oshawa assembly plant as part of their ongoing protest over the high cost of diesel fuel. "GM is the only major customer of ours who has offered to increase they rates they pay us to compensate for the increased cost of diesel," said one trucker, "so we thought maybe if we blockade their plant and piss them off they'll be our friends, eh. Or something like that, I don't know but it seemed like a good idea last night at the bar. Hey buddy, got any Aspirin? I spent all my fuel money on beer and I've got a wicked hangover, eh."
Friday, February 25
Angry truckers today blocked the fuel storage depots of two major oil companies in Toronto as part of their ongoing protest over the high cost of diesel fuel. "We figure, you know, if we, like, block them, they won't be able to send any fuel out, and then we, like, won't be able to buy it?" said one trucker. "And that means we'll save money on fuel. Or something like that, I don't know but it seemed like a good idea last night at the bar. Hey buddy, got any Aspirin? I was sniffing my fuel tanks and now I've got this wicked headache."


Sunday, March 12
The Pope today apologized for 2000 years of sins committed by the Catholic Church. In a televised mass at the Vatican, he said, "Oops!"
Monday, March 13
After further pressure from groups saying that the Pope's apology didn't go far enough, he also apologized for Ricky Martin. "I should have called down the lightning of God upon him," said the Pontiff.
Monday, March 20
Oil prices dropped under $30 per barrel today for the first time in weeks, spurring the federal government to commission a study on how gas pricing works. "We know the price go up, and the price go down, so we do a study," said Prime Minister Jean Chrétien.
Sunday, March 26
The members of the Reform party today voted strongly in favour of terminating the party and creating a new party. Reform leader Preston Manning said "Over the last decade, the people of Canada have grown tired of hearing my whiny voice saying Re-foooarm! Now they can hear my whiny voice saying something else!"
Wednesday, March 29
The Parti Québécois today berated France for not being French enough, in response to the French government having declared that communication between Air France pilots and Parisian air traffic controllers should take place in English. "We have nothing better to do," said a PQ spokesperson, "and besides which, they are not pure wool."
Thursday, March 30
Québec's Language Police has told a shopkeeper he is not French enough. "He speaks French and English to his customers, but his native language is not French," said a spokesperson for the language cops, "so we don't like him. We have the power. And besides which, we have nothing better to do."


Monday, April 3
Microsoft was found guilty today of monopolistic activities in the software industry. The judge told Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "Go to your room! You've been a very, very bad boy."
Sunday, April 9
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien responded today to complaints by Palestinians that he had no plans to visit their sections of Jerusalem during his middle east visit. "I have no idea if I am in North Jerusalem, South Jerusalem, East Jerusalem, or West Jerusalem," said the Prime Minister, "but I am going here, so I am here, so here I am." Palestinians, not used to Chrétien's unusual logic, were left speechless. "I don't know what he just said," said one.
Monday, April 10
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien waded deeper into the Palestinian question today when he said that Canada supports the notion of a unilateral declaration of independence (UDI) by Yasser Arafat. When asked if this philosophy also applies to Québec, he said "Québec is not Palestine, and Palestine is not Québec, and if the two are different, so they are different, and so it doesn't apply because they are different, so it doesn't apply." Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard said that he didn't feel a need to respond to this statement - the first sensible thing Bouchard has said in many years.
Tuesday, April 11
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien declared today that Israel should not return to Syria the Sea of Galilee, captured during a war some decades ago. "It is a lake, a nice lake, full of water and other lake things," said Chrétien, "and it is in Israel now, and it has been in Israel for many year, so it is in Israel, and we believe it is in Israel." Syrian officials were unable to respond, claiming that they need a translator to figure out what Chrétien said.
Thursday, April 13
NRA President Charlton Heston addressed a meeting of a B.C. wildlife society today. "We believe that the only way to preserve wildlife," said Heston, "is to shoot it and kill it."


Thursday, May 4
Thousands of distraught computer users panicked today as a worm known as "ILOVEYOU" destroyed all of their video and music files. "It's taken me months to build my collection," said one. "What will I do at work all day now that I don't have my pornos to watch and pirated music to listen to?"
Thursday, May 5
New York Mayor, and Senate candidate, Rudy Giuliani announced today that he is leaving his wife for his mistress. "This is yet another reason to vote for me instead of Hillary," said Giuliani, "because at least I have the balls to leave my spouse!"
Tuesday, May 16
The artist formerly known as Prince announced today that he's now going to be Prince, the artist formerly known as an unpronouceable symbol, previously formerly known as Prince. "My name wasn't long enough," he said, "and I didn't feel I was getting the respect I deserve."
Wednesday, May 17
Human Resources revealed today that it has a detailed database about almost everyone in Canada, plus many dead people. "We, uh, need this information because, um, well, we think that every Canadian has, at some time, received one of those grants we've heard about and we want to know all about them so we can help them. Yeah, that's it!"
Friday, May 19
New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the Senate race today, citing the stress of his prostate cancer. "With my prostate condition," he said, "I don't think I'd be able to provide proper service to the interns in Washington."
Tuesday, May 23
Tonya Harding was released from prison today and began the community service to which she was sentenced for whacking her then boyfriend in the face with a hubcap. "I'm cleaning up the roadside," she said. "You know, picking up trash. And hubcaps. It's something I have lots of experience at."
Wednesday, May 24
Billy Corgan and his band, The Smashing Pumpkins, today announced that they will be disbanding at the end of the year. "Despite our best efforts, we are outsold by bubblegum groups like Britney Spears," said Corgan, "and we just can't fight the fight any more. And hey, her pumpkins are way more smashing than ours, anyway."
Monday, May 29
Microsoft officials denied a news story that they were considering moving to Canada to avoid the U.S. Department of Justice. "It is absolutely untrue that we're moving to Canada," said one spokesperson. "What's really happening is that we're buying Canada."


Sunday, June 4
Protesters at a meeting of the Organization of American States were pepper-sprayed today, as were some members of the media. "We were just trying to see if we could get that Terry Milewski guy," said a police spokesperson.
Monday, June 5
Teen pop sensation Britney Spears revealed today how she came up with the title of her sophomore album, Oops ... I did it again. "I was, like, going to the doctor, you know, for a checkup, and when I got home it was like, 'Omigawd!' He'd given me breast implants. Just like last year, so like that's where the title came from."
Friday, June 9
Pop diva Céline Dion announced today that she is pregnant. Celebrity watchers weren't surprised. One said "We all knew she was pregnant about a week ago. Even though she's only two weeks pregnant, look at her - she's showing already!"
Saturday, June 10
Céline Dion's doctor today announced that he had made a terrible mistake, and that she was not, in fact, pregnant. "She had eaten half a muffin the day before she came in for her ultrasound," said the doctor. "It's the first time I've ever found traces of food in her system, and hey, it's hard to tell one lump from another on an ultrasound."
Friday, June 16
Mike Tyson proclaimed that he wants to eat Lennox Lewis' kids. "They got more meat on them than that ear did," said Tyson, "and a man needs meat."


Sunday, July 2
For the first time in over 70 years, Mexico elected a president from a different party. "Hey, this guy has a cool moustache," said one voter.
Monday, July 3
A Canadian biathlete, training in a wooded area in Québec, was mauled to death by a black bear today. "Hey, if Mike Tyson can eat Lennox Lewis' kids, I can eat biathletes," said the bear.
Tuesday, July 4
Boxing promoter Don King today announced that he had signed the biathlete-mauling bear to be Mike Tyson's next opponent.
Monday, July 17
The Argentinian government is claiming victory in their fight to have former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher put on trial for war crimes related to the Falklands conflict in the 1980s, in which a British submarine torpedoed an Argentinian warship. "You sunk my battleship!" said a spokesperson for the Argentinian government.
Tuesday, July 25
U.S. Presidential candidate George W. "Dubya" Bush announced today that Dick Cheney will be his running mate. "Every Bush needs a Dick," said Dubya.


Thursday, September 7
Britney Spears appeared on the MTV Video Awards this evening and shed almost all of her clothes within seconds of appearing on stage. "Calm your hormones, guys," she said, "I'm not doing it to be sexy. It was really hot on stage. You wouldn't believe how much cooler you feel in a skimpy flesh-coloured bra and thong."
Tuesday, September 19
Melissa Etheridge and her long-time companion Julie Cypher announced today that they were breaking up. "I'm hoping she'll do an Anne Heche on us - that was really interesting!" said a spokesperson.
Monday, September 25
American shot put champion C. J. Hunter failed four drug tests so far this year, said a source which also claimed that his testosterone level was 1000 times above normal. "Hey, I didn't take no drugs," said Hunter, "I just have big nads."
Tuesday, September 26
Marion Jones, the star sprinter who is C. J. Hunter's wife, agreed with her husband. "He's got real big nads," said Jones.
Wednesday, September 27
Former Olympics track star Linford Christie, known as Mr. Lunch Box for being so well-hung, weighed in on the C. J. Hunter controversy today. "He may have big nads," said Christie, "but they're not as big as mine."


Thursday, October 12
Dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford, who made headlines in 1998 after her arrest for running an S&M dungeon, was denied in her attempt to have the courts recognize her work as a legitimate profession. "You have been a very, very bad girl," said the Supreme Court. "Bend over and let us spank you."


Wednesday, November 1
Former Newfoundland Premier Brian Tobin said "Being attacked by Joe Clark is a little bit like trying to fend off a wet noodle," adding "I prefer being whipped by a turbot."
Tuesday, November 7
Americans elected a new President today. It's Dubya. No, wait! It's Algore! No, wait! It's Dubya! Um, well, they'll have it figured out by tomorrow, I'm sure.
Wednesday, November 8
Algore threatened to sue the state of Florida, the government of Florida, and all of the citizens of Florida if he didn't win the election.
Thursday, November 9
In the English-language debate,
Friday, November 10
Minnesota governor Jesse "The Body" Ventura warned the warring factions in the presidential race that he would personally body-slam them if his party's candidate, Pat Buchanan, didn't get declared the winner in Florida.
Saturday, November 11
The American people told Dubya and Algore to "shut the $#*%& up!"
Sunday, November 12
Leaving his church this morning, Algore said he had prayed that he would win the election and that "God told me that he is a Democrat." Later, in hospital, Algore said that he didn't duck in time to avoid the lightning bolt.
Monday, November 13
The TV show This Hour Has 22 Minutes unveiled an electronic petition to force Stockwell Day into a referendum to change his name to Doris Day.
Tuesday, November 14
As the deadline passed for all Florida counties to certify their vote counts, Dubya declared victory. So did Algore. The American people once again said "Shut the @%$& up!"
Wednesday, November 15
Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell "Doris" Day declares that he believes the Biblical theory of creationism. "Dinosaurs and human beings roamed the earth at the same time. They still do," said Day, pointing to Prime Minister Jean Chrétien. "God created the seventh day as a day of rest, and for political leaders to have picnics well within the range of press photographers," Day added.
Thursday, November 16
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien announced today that he's thinking of retiring in three years. This comes just a few weeks after he said he will serve his full term as Prime Minister if elected later this month. When asked to explain the discrepancy, he said "Well, you know how I like to call early elections, so maybe this time you're only voting for me for three years or so."
Saturday, November 18
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien, accused of a breach of ethics in arranging a loan for a friend who bought a hotel from Chrétien and some of his business associates, said today that he did nothing wrong. "I did something, but it was not wrong, so I did nothing wrong." Thanks for clearing that up.
Sunday, November 19
Betty Granger, a Canadian Alliance candidate in Winnipeg, withdrew from the race today after having made racist comments. "The Canadian Alliance is a party without racism," she said in her resignation speech, "and I wouldn't want to taint that lily-white ... er, I mean, unblemished reputation."

Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its contents are copyright © 2000 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines are permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you. Stop right now!