Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a
chronology of the major news stories of 1998.
Go To:
January
- Saturday, January 3
- Relatives of Michael Kennedy gather for his
funeral. Kennedy was playing a game of ski football when he decided
to demonstrate to his kids how to fake out a defensive lineman.
Unfortunately, the tree he chose as a demonstration dummy didn't fall
for it.
- Monday, January 5
- Upset at perpetually being upstaged, this time by Michael Kennedy,
Sonny Bono decides to prove that you don't need to be playing football
to fake out a lineman. Unfortunately, his tree didn't fall for it,
either.
- Tuesday, January 6
- In the first official meeting of the new
Toronto council, the results of a vote were announced as 56-2, in a
council with only 57 members. When asked who got the extra vote,
Mayor Mel Lastman winked, made an OK sign, and yelled "Noooooo-BODY!"
- Wednesday, January 7
- In a landmark decision, the government of Canada apologizes for
hanging Louis Riel and says that they'd love to try to bring him
back from the dead, but finance minister Paul Martin didn't budget any
money for it.
- Thursday, January 8
- Mayor Lastman is sued by the monkey from
the Bad Boy commercials, who claims infringement on his act.
- Friday, January 9
- An unnamed source has revealed that Cher is having difficulty deciding
whether she should commemorate the life of her ex-husband, Sonny Bono,
by having another rib removed or by having a tree tattooed on her
forehead, just like Sonny did.
- Saturday, January 10
- Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard blames Canada for the ice storm
which has paralyzed the region around Montréal. "This storm, it came
from Canada! It is nothing but a tactic to punish Québeckers for
being a soveriegn nation," said Bouchard.
- Sunday, January 11
- Having noticed the publicity gained by Sonny Bono and Michael
Kennedy by skiing into trees, Ontario Liberal leader Dalton
McGuinty states in a press release that he will ski into a tree
later this week.
- Monday, January 12
- Shirley MacLaine files suit against the Canadian government. Her
lawyers claim that she was Louis Riel in a former life, and that the
government's apology entitles her to compensation. Riel was hanged in
1885, and MacLaine is claiming $1 million, plus interest and inflation
since 1885.
- Tuesday, January 13
- The monkey who sued Mel Lastman turns out to be Mel's son,
Blaine, in another cheap publicity stunt.
- Wednesday, January 14
- In his first interview since being sentenced to 18 months in jail
for fraud, Alan Eagleson gave a surprising justification for his
actions. "I didn't really want the money myself,"
Eagleson said. "I only did it to impress Jodie Foster."
- Thursday, January 15
- The Supreme Court heard Canada's contention that Québec
cannot unilaterally secede. Québec's response was translated
by the court's translator as "You can't make me, neener, neener, neener!"
- Friday, January 16
- U.S. Senator John Glenn and NASA jointly announce that Sen. Glenn
will be returning to space, becoming the oldest man to go into space.
Glenn will be involved in research into aging and the effects of
space travel on older people. NASA also announced that a second
teacher will soon fly in space. Upon meeting her, Glenn was heard
announcing that he hopes she will be on his flight, as this would
permit research into the effects of aging on sex in space.
- Saturday, January 17
- Paula Jones and U.S. President Bill Clinton met today to exchange
evidence related to her lawsuit, which alleges that President Clinton
made unwanted sexual advances towards her while he was the governor
of Arkansas. Entering the meeting, Clinton was overheard saying
to one of his bodyguards, "Boy, I'd sure like to exchange some
evidence with her!"
- Monday, January 19
- In a press release smuggled out of his jail cell, Alan Eagleson
announced that he has organized a pension plan for his fellow inmates.
According to a quote from an unnamed inmate, "Alan is just like one
of us. He's one of the guys."
- Tuesday, January 20
- Disgraced hockey czar Alan Eagleson has agreed with the
Law Society of Upper Canada that his conduct was "unbecoming
a barrister and solicitor." In a statement read by his lawyer, Brian
Greenspan, Eagleson apologized for having been caught, saying
"I did not intend to cause my clients the pain and hardship of knowing
I stole from them."
- Wednesday, January 21
- Embattled U.S. President Bill Clinton, in the midst of a sexual
harrassment lawsuit from Paula Jones, is rumoured to have had an
affair with young White House intern Monica Lewinsky. A prepared
statement read by one of Clinton's press staff denies this claim.
"Ms. Lewinsky is a unique individual. She's the only known woman in
the United States I have not slept with."
- Thursday, January 22
- Theodore Kaczynski pleaded guilty to being the Unabomber, in
exchange for a promise from prosecutors that he would not be put
to death for his crimes. The lead prosecutor, happy with the
deal, said "At least we know that any mail he sends from now on
will be inspected for bombs. If we killed him, we wouldn't have
had that assurance."
- Friday, January 23
- U.S. President Bill Clinton had a star dedicated to the
Presidential Penis on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. After
its impression was left in the concrete, the First Member was
greeted warmly by several bystanders who appeared to be familiar
with it.
- Monday, January 26
- U.S. President Bill Clinton holds a press conference to announce
that he hasn't gotten laid in several days.
- Tuesday, January 27
- Buddy, the family dog of U.S. President Bill Clinton, holds a
press conference to announce that he is not aware of his master
having had any sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. He agreed
with a reporter who suggested that people and their dogs often
look and behave alike. After the press conference, Buddy's handlers
had to restrain him from humping the legs of several reporters.
- Wednesday, January 28
- Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of U.S. President Bill Clinton,
announced that she was suing her father over her name. A recent
edition of Consumer Reports listed the top ten dogs' names in
America, and both Buddy and Chelsea are on the list. Buddy is
the name chosen for the First Canine.
- Friday, January 30
- News reporters throughout Ontario, realizing that they have
not heard from Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty in a while,
recall his announcement that he would ski into a tree. "None of
us showed up to report on the event," said one who did not wish
to be named. "We feel that we have let Mr. McGuinty down by
not showing up. To make amends, we are organizing search parties
to find him and make sure that he's OK."
February
- Monday, February 2
- The lawyer for Monica Lewinsky admitted today that his client
exaggerated. "Ms. Lewinsky did not, in fact, perform oral sex
upon the President himself. Everyone else in the White House, yes,
but not Mr. Clinton."
- Tuesday, February 3
- The press search for Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty was
called off today. According to one unidentified reporter, "We were
unable to recall what he looked like. We ran a massive manhunt through
our photo files, but couldn't find a single picture of him. We
even contacted his wife, but she couldn't remember a single thing
about him."
- Wednesday, February 4
- The Québec government today sent Ottawa a bill for
$1 billion in compensation for the ice storm. Intergovernmental
Affairs minister Jacques Brassard said "We are asking that
the Canadian government take responsibility for this storm. It
passed through Ontario on its way to Québec, and they could
have stopped it, but instead they sent it to damage us. Canada
must pay."
- Friday, February 6
- Paula Jones admitted that she, too, "exaggerated" the extent
of her relationship with U.S. President Bill Clinton. In a
statement read by her lawyer, Ms. Jones stated "He didn't actually
ask me to perform oral sex on him. It was implied, though.
I know it was. All my friends said he wanted me."
- Sunday, February 8
- Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati surprises the snowboarding
world by winning the gold medal at the Olympics. Nobody knows
how he feels about it, however, since he speaks only snowboardese.
"Gnarly, dude," he said. "I shredded so rad! I'm stoked!"
- Tuesday, February 10
- Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati had his Olympic gold medal
taken away after he tested positive for marijuana. He has launched
an appeal, saying "Whoa, dude, I'm, like, bummed! That's bogus."
- Wednesday, February 11
- Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati's gold medal was reinstated
after he shared a joint with International Olympic Committee chairman
Juan Antonio Samaranch. "It was radical, but I did not inhale,"
said Samaranch.
- Friday, February 13
- Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr sued Monica Lewinsky today for
emotional abuse. He struggled to hold back tears as he told a press
conference, "I have extensive evidence of Miss Lewinsky having slept
with everyone in Washington except for me. I feel left out."
- Saturday, February 14
- In honour of Valentine's Day, U.S. President Bill Clinton declared
in a televised address that he loved "all of the women in this great
nation." He told them "I feel your pain" and promised to kiss them
all better. All over.
- Sunday, February 15
- A number of competitors and commentators involved in the Olympic
Ice Dance competition accused the judges of voting in blocks to
ensure that certain dancers won. The judges professed innocence in
public. However, one judge who did not wish to be named privately
mentioned that Tanya Harding had threatened to whack her on the
knees unless she got all of the other judges to vote together.
- Monday, February 16
- Opening arguments began today in the federal government's Supreme
Court case to determine what right, if any, Québec has to
separate from Canada. Bloc Québecois leader Gilles Duceppe
held a press conference to denounce the trial. "This is a democratic
society," said Duceppe. "If we want to determine what's best for the
oppressive Canadian nation, we will!"
- Wednesday, February 18
- An unnamed source in the White House revealed today that President
Clinton's alleged affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky was the
result of a mixed-up name. "The President was watching figure skating,"
said the source, "and got the hots for one of the skaters. He said he
wanted us to get him that Lipinski chick, but the secret service
agent didn't get the name right, and he went to fetch Ms. Lewinsky
instead."
- Thursday, February 19
- Authorities in Las Vegas, Nevada arrested two men who had been
accumulating anthrax, a lethal bacterium which can be used for
biological warfare. Upon hearing this, Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski
slapped his forehead and said "Why didn't I think of that?"
- Sunday, February 22
- United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan announced today
that he and Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein had reached an agreement
to permit U.N. weapons inspectors full access to suspected Iraqi
weapons sites. Hussein explained his change of heart by saying
that the ongoing pressure had been taking a toll on him, and unlike
Clinton, he had no interns to relieve the tension.
- Monday, February 23
- A series of tornadoes destroyed homes and killed dozens of people
in Central Florida overnight. Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr
has begun probing the area, claiming that these tornadoes might
be indicted for destroying evidence about the President and his
alleged extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky.
- Tuesday, February 24
- U.S. President Bill Clinton toured the area of Florida which was
devastated by tornadoes. After private meetings with several area
residents, he declared "That was quite a blow!"
- Friday, February 27
- Disgraced hockey czar Alan Eagleson was stripped of his Order
of Canada today. When asked to give it back, he claimed that he'd
invested it in a pension fund and that it had gone missing. He pledged
that when he gets out of jail, he will dedicate his life to finding the
real thief.
March
- Tuesday, March 3
- Québec Liberal Leader Daniel Johnson announced today that
he will step down as his party's leader. He was apparently forced
to resign by the language police, who claimed that his name did not
feature twice as many French words as English ones.
- Wednesday, March 4
- Basketball player Latrell Sprewell, who had been suspended from
the NBA for a year after choking his coach, has been ordered
reinstated by the NBA. When asked what his winning strategy was,
Sprewell's lawyer claimed that Sprewell thought his coach was a
chicken.
- Thursday, March 5
- A Washington newspaper printed excerpts supposedly from
U.S. President Bill Clinton's sealed deposition in the Paula
Jones sexual harrassment case. The President is said to be
extremely upset. "I feel like I've been revealed," he said.
- Monday, March 9
- U.S. President Bill Clinton announces that he has asked Latrell
Sprewell to join the U.N. weapons inspection teams which will be
investigating Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's residences. "Our
inspectors need protection," said Clinton.
- Thursday, March 12
- A man claiming to be Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty
was arrested today at the provincial legislature. Police report
that the man could not provide any proof of his identity, and a
search of the province's database shows no record of a person
by that name.
- Sunday, March 15
- Former White House Volunteer Kathleen Willey said in a
televised interview that U.S. President Bill Clinton had
offered her his penis. "He said, 'Here, Willey, meet Slick
Willie's Willy!'"
- Tuesday, March 17
- Hillary Rodham Clinton appeared before the Kenneth Starr
Inquisition and accused Bill Clinton of having groped her.
She denied, however, that he had offered her his penis.
- Thursday, March 19
- O.J. Simpson today announced his public support for embattled
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and asked that Americans dedicate
their lives to finding "the real groper."
- Monday, March 23
- U.S. President Bill Clinton, visiting Ghana, yelled and swatted
at the throng of people who came out to greet him. According to a
White House staffer, initial reports that he told them to get away
from him were incorrect. "The President was merely indicating that
he had all the mistresses he needed and would not be requiring
their services," said the unnamed official.
- Friday, March 27
- U.S. President Bill Clinton was given a tour of the jail cell
where South African President Nelson Mandela spent many years under
the old Apartheid system. Clinton is reported to have mentioned
that the room looked perfect for Kenneth Starr.
April
- Wednesday, April 1
- In the spirit of April Fools Day, lawyers for all of the women who
claim to have been abused by Bill Clinton announced that they were
just kidding. It was really Hillary who came on to all of their
clients.
- Thursday, April 2
- Cincinatti Reds owner Marge Schott is recovering from hip surgery.
Doctors say that the surgery was required because of long-term
strain on her hip from putting her foot in her mouth so many times.
- Friday, April 3
- Upset at having had her lawsuit against U.S. President Bill Clinton
thrown out of court, Paula Jones announced that she is suing
Monica Lewinsky. "That bitch stole my man," said Jones.
- Saturday, April 4
- Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard accused English Canada
of being responsible for the floods in his province. However,
he declined the offer of Canadian Forces troops to help residents
defend their homes against the floodwaters, claiming that it would
amount to an invasion of a soveriegn nation.
- Sunday, April 5
- Québec Liberal Party leadership candidate Jean Charest
today told Premier Lucien Bouchard to shut up. "Shut up, you
idiot!" said Charest, in front of a large and appreciate crowd.
- Monday, April 6
- Special Persecutor Kenneth Starr today sued Bill Clinton for
having wasted his time. "If he didn't grope these women,
if he didn't have sex with these women, why didn't he
tell me? Do you know how many tee times I've had to cancel with
O.J. so that I could work on this case?"
- Tuesday, April 7
- The Canadian government today awarded Jean Charest the Order
of Canada for having told Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard
to shut up. The day was declared a national holiday. "We are
also proclaiming dis as a national oliday," said Prime Minister
Jean Chrétien.
- Wednesday, April 8
- Pop star George Michael was arrested
for allegedly performing an obscene act in a public
restroom. "I can't say what he was doing because it's subject
to pending legal action," said one of the arresting officers,
"but it sure gives a new meaning to Wham!"
- Thursday, April 9
- A man who was convicted of exposing himself to joggers in a
park in Toronto was sentenced to spend one week walking around
in front of the courthouse wearing a sign saying "I performed
an indecent act in High Park." To borrow from Dave Barry, we are
not making this up. Naturally, the man is appealing, and said
that he would greatly prefer a jail term.
- Sunday, April 12
- Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr alleged today that one of his
kids found an Easter egg which had been fertilized by U.S. President
Bill Clinton.
- Thursday, April 16
- Paula Jones has announced that she's appealing. U.S. President
Bill Clinton has filed a motion asking a judge to declare that she
is not.
- Monday, April 20
- Bloc Québecois MP Stéphan Tremblay stormed out of
the House of Commons today and took his seat with him. In a press
conference, he said "I take this chair because it belongs to Québec.
It may have been paid for by Canadian taxpayers, and it may have been
built by Canadians, and its rightful place may be in Canada, so
logically it belongs to Québec, because Québec is
a nation." Bloc Québecois leader Gilles Duceppe agreed with
the logic, as did Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard. Reporters
were left scratching their heads, and Tremblay left the press
conference before reporters could ask him to explain further.
- Wednesday, April 22
- Green Bay Packers defensive end Reggie White today announced
that he will not retire, as he had announced in a press conference
two days ago. "That was just a dream," White said, "just like
that Dallas episode."
- Thursday, April 23
- Dolly the sheep, who made headlines last year when she was cloned
from an adult sheep cell, gave birth. Kenneth Starr has demanded DNA
samples as part of his ongoing investigation into President Clinton's
sexual habits.
- Sunday, April 26
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien began his trip to Cuba today
by meeting with Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. "Dese are de best
cigars I have ever tasted," said Chrétien, "and dat's de only
reason I'm here. I want all of my American friends to be able to
try dese cigars."
May
- Monday, May 4
- Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was sentenced today to four
consecutive life terms. His lawyers say that holding him for
three life terms after his first one expires when he dies constitues
cruel and unusual punishment. Prosecutors fear that Kaczynski will
engage in a letter-writing campaign to change the sentence.
- Tuesday, May 5
- Ontario Finance Minister Ernie Eves delivered his government's
budget today. "We are concerned with the promotion of democracy
in Ontario," said Eves, "and so the fact that the leader of the
Liberal Party has vanished is of great concern. We are therefore
setting aside $300 million to assist in the search for Dalton
McGuinty." Liberal MPPs applauded, but voiced worries that
it was a waste of government money, as nobody would recognize
Mr. McGuinty "even if they ran him over with a searchlight,"
in the words of one MPP.
- Thursday, May 7
- Daimler-Benz announced today that it had completed acquisition
talks with Chrysler. Volkswagen also announced that it had received
Rolls-Royce's approval of its takeover bid, snatching the British
luxury automaker out of the clutches of BMW. In response, Microsoft
announced that it was buying BMW, Yugo announced that it was buying
Bre-X, and Volvo announced that since its cars are so boxy, they would
be acquiring a major box manufacturer in order to share design costs.
- Monday, May 11
- It was recently announced that, as part of Kenneth Starr's
original Whitewater investigation, a lawyer went through all of
the Clinton family's personal belongings at the White House.
One of Starr's aides reports that they found "nothing of interest,
other than a collection of souvenirs signed by the staff of
Hooters of Washington."
- Tuesday, May 12
- A truck driver was arrested today for having taken a load of
broccoli hostage. I am not making this up.
- Friday, May 15
- In the latest in a series of clinical trials of the new
anti-impotence drug Viagra, Italian scientists have claimed a
major breakthrough. "For years our engineers have been working
on this problem without success," said Dr. Piero Flatulosi,
"but finally the Leaning Tower of Pisa is upright."
- Sunday, May 17
- A report from the FBI shows that the crime rate in the U.S.
continues to drop. Studies show that even the most hardened
criminals are afraid of Attorney General Janet Reno.
- Monday, May 18
- A number of officials of the U.S. federal and state governments
filed suit today against Microsoft, asking the courts to block
distribution of Microsoft Windows 98.
- Tuesday, May 19
- Microsoft Corporation announced today that it had agreed to
purchase God, and that God had decreed the eleventh commandment:
"Thou shalt not sue Microsoft, nor shall thou sue Bill Gates,
nor shall thou sue anything that is Microsoft's, nor shall thou
sue anything that is Bill Gates'."
- Thursday, May 28
- Pakistan today set off five nuclear test explosions. A spokesman
for the government said "We have heard the rumours of dissent among
the Spice Girls, and we are pleased that these immoral infidels are
in trouble. We exploded one bomb for each girl. We warn you, we
will continue to set off nuclear bombs until the Spice Girls are
history!"
- Friday, May 29
- The Québec Language Police today threatened the publisher
of a newspaper. When the newspaper's office was raided by the
Language Police, the publisher started taking pictures of the officer.
"I asked her why she was raiding my office," said the publisher, "but
I could not understand what she said. Two out of every three words
she said were French, and she said them twice as loudly as the English
words. You try understanding someone who says 'NOUS NE can
PAS ACCEPTER that VOUS PRENEZ pictures DE NOS officers QUAND ILS
raid VOTRE BUREAU.'"
- Sunday, May 31
- The world was shocked today by the announcement that Ginger
Spice has left the Spice Girls. In related news, the Pakistani
government detonated another nuclear bomb, and released a statement
saying "One down, four to go."
June
- Monday, June 1
- In a speech which outraged Canadians, Québec Premier Lucien
Bouchard (Separatist Spice) stood on a balcony and declared, "Vive
l'épice Gingembre Libre!" Later, he issued this statement:
"If the Spice Girls are divisible, then so is Canada."
- Tuesday, June 2
- Toronto Mayor Bad Boy Spice (otherwise known as Mel Lastman) made
public a letter he had sent to Ginger Spice, asking her to please,
please, pretty please, pretty please with a cherry on top, remain with
the Spice Girls until their current tour is finished. "I was so
jealous when you pinched Big-Ears Spice's (Prince Charles) butt,"
wrote Lastman, "and I would be incredibly disappointed if you weren't
in Toronto to pinch mine!"
- Wednesday, June 3
- The RCMP is investigating irregularities in the approval process
for silicone gel breast implants. In the late 1980s and early
1990s, Health Canada had been warned of possible problems, but had
covered them up. The official responsible, interviewed at a local
strip club, said "We realized that we'd put places like this out
of business if we outlawed breast implants. Besides which, we really,
really like fake boobies!"
- Thursday, June 4
- Special Persecutor Nosy Spice (formerly known as Kenneth Starr)
today subpoenaed Ginger Spice and her former bandmates, the Spice
Girls, to testify as to whether improper advances by U.S. President
Bill Clinton (First Spice) were involved in breaking up their
band.
- Friday, June 5
- The Spice Girls announced today that they have filled the shoes
vacated when Ginger Spice left the band. "Silicone Spice wanted to
find out firsthand what it's like to be in a band," said spokesperson
Lawyer Spice, "so we hired her." Lawyers for the former Pamela Anderson
Lee confirm that she has legally changed her name as part of joining
the band.
- Tuesday, June 9
- A number of men who have been taking the anti-impotence drug
Viagra have been found to have died immediately following sexual
intercourse. To comply with new truth-in-advertising laws, the
marketing slogan for Viagra has now been changed to "Die hard!"
- Friday, June 12
- Spokesperson Spice today announced that the Spice Girl formerly
known as Silicone Spice has been renamed. "We realize the effect
that she has on our male fans, so we have retired the Silicone
Spice name in favour of Viagra Spice."
- Monday, June 15
- The Spice Girls performed the first concert of their North
American tour, the first concert since Ginger Spice left the
band. The concert, in Florida, took place in the middle of a
heat wave, prompting the girls to strip naked to combat the heat.
As a result, they have renamed themselves Shaved Spice, Hirsute
Spice, Saggy Spice, and Cellulite Spice.
- Wednesday, June 24
- Québeckers celebrating St. Jean Baptiste Day smashed windows
and looted stores. In another of his mind-numbing leaps of logic,
Premier Lucien Bouchard blamed the violence on the
oppressive nature of Canada, which has kept Québec repressed
and denied its nationhood.
- Thursday, June 25
- Former Prime Minister Joe Who threw his hat into the federal
Progressive Conservative Party leadership contest today. He claimed
strong support, claiming that nobody knew of any mistakes he'd ever
made. "When your name is Joe Who," declared Mr. Who, "and nobody
knows who you are, it's easy to be squeaky clean!"
- Friday, June 26
- Actor Burt Reynolds held a press conference to announce that he
was asking Demi Moore out on a date. "I understand how difficult
it must be for her, breaking up with her husband of ten years and
the father of her three children," said Reynolds, "which is why I
have given her time to get over the breakup she experienced yesterday.
But after working with her on the movie Striptease, and comparing
her to all the girls I worked with in Boogie Nights, I just couldn't
wait any longer!"
- Sunday, June 28
- U.S. President Bill Clinton today claimed an important breakthrough
for human rights in China. He has reached an agreement with Chinese
leaders to free a number of political prisoners. A spokesman for the
Chinese government explained that for every pound of fried rice eaten
by President Clinton, China will free one political prisoner.
July
- Wednesday, July 1
- In a speech just before boarding a plane to Hong Kong, U.S. President
Bill Clinton claimed that under the deal reached the previous weekend
with Chinese authorities, he had singlehandedly freed fifty Chinese
political prisoners. In a separate statement, the First Lady referred
to her husband as "that rice-eating pig."
- Saturday, July 4
- The results of a Spam recipe contest were announced today. The
winning entry was called "Spam Salad on a Tortilla." We are not
making this up.
- Sunday, July 5
- Japanese scientists announced today that, using a similar process
to the one used to clone a sheep, they have cloned a cow. "We feel
that bringing more sheep into a world filled with lonely men is
cruel," said the scientists, "and we believe that cloning cows is
therefore much more socially responsible."
- Monday, July 6
- Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman announced today that he is so thrilled
that the Spice Girls had agreed to perform a second show in Toronto.
At the same news conference, Spokesperson Spice read a statement from
the band, saying "We figured he'd never shut up until we agreed to do
another performance. Hopefully now all of the people of Toronto will
have some peace and quiet."
- Tuesday, July 7
- Police in Japan announced that there has been a serious increase
in the incidence of cow-tipping since scientists cloned a cow. The
scientists were unavailable to comment; their press agent reported
that they were doing "field work."
- Wednesday, July 8
- Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman was on suicide watch today as news
spread that the Spice Girls would be unable to perform a second
show in Toronto. "And I thought they were such wonderful young
women," a sobbing Lastman said, "and now look what they've done to
me."
- Thursday, July 9
- Boxing promoter Don King was found not guilty today of charges
of fraud. "This trial was a hair-raising experience," said King.
- Friday, July 10
- Word spread today that Scary Spice has broken off her engagement
to one of the dancers on the Spice Girls tour. According to Toronto
Mayor Mel Lastman, the rift between Scary and her former fiancé
developed over the cancellation of the Spice Girls' second Toronto
appearance. Spokesperson Spice was unavailable for comment.
- Saturday, July 11
- In a carefully staged publicity stunt, the town of Mesquite,
Nevada today held its first annual Running of the Bulls. "We had
originally invited the Vice-President," said an organizer, "and
we were planning to strap horns on him and call it Gored by Gore."
- Sunday, July 12
- Former Prime Minister Brian "The Chin" Mulroney was named to
the Order of Canada today. In response, disgraced hockey czar
Alan Eagleson threatened to turn in his Order of Canada medal in
disgust, until he was reminded that the government had already
taken it back.
- Wednesday, July 15
- Police in several countries arrested fourteen suspected
members of an important Mafia family in early morning raids today.
"After the Brian Mulroney thing, we just wanted to make sure that
none of these guys got an Order of Canada," said one of the officers
involved in the bust.
- Monday, July 20
- A cruise ship caught fire just offshore near Miami, Florida today.
According to one of the passengers, "I was trying to make out with
Captain Stubing's daughter in the laundry room, and I guess we were
so hot that it caught fire."
- Tuesday, July 21
- Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, reported today that it is testing a
new drug to combat arthritis. "We had received numerous complaints from
Viagra users," said a spokesperson, "that they now had these massive
erections but their bones and joints were too stiff to let them do
anything. So we wanted to see what we could do to help." A source,
speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed that Pfizer is also
working on drugs to help people who are fat, ugly, smelly, or just
downright unpleasant get laid, too.
- Wednesday, July 22
- Toronto police today began a serious crackdown on squeegee kids
after a complaint from a resident. "I've been keeping all kinds of
dirt on my windshield on purpose," said the resident, "so that I had
a good excuse for running all those red lights - I couldn't see them!
Now that damn squeegee kid has cleaned it all off and I got a ticket
for running a red light. It's just not fair!"
- Friday, July 24
- A gunman stormed the U.S. Capitol Building today, shooting at
random people and killing two police officers before being apprehended.
He said he only did it "to impress Jodie Foster."
- Sunday, July 26
- For the first time in history, a sitting U.S. President has been
issued a subpoena to appear before a grand jury. President Clinton
today received a subpoena from Special Prosecutor Ken Starr. Starr
released a statement saying that the subpoena will force the President
to "open his mouth, just like Monica did."
- Monday, July 27
- Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr had a private meeting today behind
closed doors at a secret location in New York. Starr later said that
"Miss Lewinsky showed great interest in the briefs I had prepared.
I found our meeting to be most satisfactory."
- Tuesday, July 28
- Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr today announced that he has
granted full immunity to Monica Lewinsky in exchange for her
testimony. "After all, if the President put something in Monica's
mouth, we can't hold her responsible for spilling it," said Starr.
- Wednesday, July 29
- President Clinton has agreed to provide testimony on videotape.
Confidential sources say that this tape will soon be available in
a package deal along with the Tommy and Pamela tape. Order now,
and they'll even throw in the Linda Starr tapes!
- Thursday, July 30
- The FBI today released the results of testing on the alleged
semen-stained dress which Monica Lewinsky provided. "We believe
we have conclusive evidence," said the lab director, "that what
goes into Miss Lewinsky's mouth sometimes comes back out again.
She was eating a chicken sandwich and spilled some mayonnaise
on her dress."
- Friday, July 31
- On the eve of the Major League Baseball trading deadline,
the Toronto Blue Jays traded away a number of players, including
Juan Guzman and Ed Sprague. In return, they got a number of
draft picks, minor league prospects, and a hundred pounds of
moose meat. "Someone said that moose meat is great food for
athletes," said general manager Gord Ash, "and we sure could use
all the help we could get!"
August
- Monday, August 3
- A Toronto police officer was formally charged today with discreditable
conduct after it was alleged that he stopped a number of motorists who
were speeding, but wrote them up for 1 km/h over the limit rather than
the actual speed they were travelling. We are not making this up (well,
not to this point, anyway).
Police took action after receiving several complaints from motorists
who had been issued tickets by this particular officer. "I was doing
160 km/h on the 401," said one motorist, "and this officer wrote me
up for 101! I was furious! All I wanted to do was to contribute
my fair share to the government, and all I got was a tiny little
ticket." If convicted, the officer faces anything from a reprimand
to dismissal.
- Thursday, August 6
- Monica Lewinsky testified before the Kenneth Starr Grand
Inquisition today. Reports suggest that she was visibly upset
by the suggestion that she had spilled some of the President's
semen on one of her dresses. "I swallowed it all, I swear!"
she declared. Meanwhile, President Clinton was hosting a rally
in favour of gun control at the White House. "It's very important
to be careful where you shoot," said Clinton, "or you can make a
real mess."
- Friday, August 7
- Terrorists today detonated large car bombs at the U.S. Embassies
in Kenya and Tanzania. A disgruntled group of Americans claimed
responsibility, stating that they were sick and tired of the Kenneth
Starr inquisition and would keep blowing up U.S. government buildings
until they finally got rid of him.
- Sunday, August 9
- U.S. President Bill Clinton today threatened that unless someone
stepped forward to accept responsibility for the recent embassy
bombings, he would appoint a special prosecutor to investigate.
Fifty-one terrorist groups immediately surrendered, begging for
leniency.
- Tuesday, August 11
- Boy George declared that he wants to sleep with U.S. President
Bill Clinton. In a coordinated announcement, Linda Tripp announced
that she would like to tape the encounter, and it will soon be for
sale, packaged with the Tommy and Pamela tape.
- Wednesday, August 12
- A U.S. military spy satellite exploded today, 40 seconds after
being launched from Cape Canaveral. The satellite cost $1 billion
and was designed to eavesdrop on communications in the Middle
East and Asia. According to a military spokesperson, they will
try again, but with a less expensive solution. "We'll just give
Linda Tripp a tape recorder and strap her to a rocket," said
the spokesperson. President Clinton wholeheartedly endorsed the
plan.
- Monday, August 17
- U.S. President Bill Clinton testified today before the grand jury
which is investigating his alleged affair with White House intern
Monica Lewinsky. The President stated that yes, he had an affair
with Lewinsky, but that it wasn't his fault because someone had
been feeding him Viagra. The President began his remarks by
saying "Good evening. This afternoon in this room, I gave oral,
um, testimony, and boy, do I have new appreciation for Miss
Lewinsky now. Oh, and one of the women on the grand jury has
really, really nice cleavage."
- Wednesday, August 19
- Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr reportedly has received a DNA
sample from President Clinton. A spokesperson for Clinton said that
the President agreed to provide a sample "but only to the right
person - blonde, blue-eyed, voluptuous is a good combination."
- Thursday, August 20
- The Supreme Court ruled this morning that Québec does
not have the right to secede unilaterally from Canada, either under
Canadian or international law. In response, Québec Premier
Lucien Bouchard announced that not only does Canada trample on his
rights, so does international law, so he will secede from both.
"In fact," said Bouchard, "we are thinking of leaving Earth
entirely and setting up our own little planet somewhere where
we will be treated with respect."
- Friday, August 21
- In retaliation for the bombing of its embassies, the U.S.
today bombed a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan and a terrorist
training camp in Afghanistan. "We figured that if the people
injured in the Afghanistan attack needed medicine, then by
blowing up the medicine plant they wouldn't get any," explained
a State Department official.
- Sunday, August 23
- Scary Spice announced that she is pregnant. Posh had announced
a few days earlier that she, too, is expecting. Millions of little
girls all over the world have rushed out to get pregnant so that
they, too, can be just like their idols. It has been reported that
U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton (also known as Frigid
Spice) has chained her husband in the house, to make sure that
he's not involved in any way.
- Monday, August 24
- Gillian Guess, convicted of obstruction of justice for having an
affair with a man while serving on the jury at his trial, has been
sentenced to 18 months in prison. Guess, who has proclaimed her
innocence all along, has filed an appeal, claiming that her right
to be set free was violated by the judge not having taken her up
on her "repeated and reasonable" offers to sleep with him, too.
- Monday, August 31
- Major stock markets around the world suffered heavy losses again
today. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell by over 500 points.
U.S. President Clinton, on his way to Russia to meet with Russian
President Boris Yeltsin, was heard to comment that lately the Dow
Jones has been going down "almost as regularly as Monica did!"
September
- Tuesday, September 8
- St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire today broke Roger
Maris' record for most home runs in a single season. When a
reporter asked McGwire what drove him to such heights, McGwire
admitted that he only did it to impress Jodie Foster.
- Wednesday, September 9
- For the first time in a week, U.S. President Bill Clinton
failed to call a press conference specifically to say that he was
sorry.
- Friday, September 11
- Special Persecutor Kenneth Starr's report on Bill Clinton's
affair with Monica Lewinsky was released to the public today.
The report included over a thousand explanatory footnotes, including
footnote number 735 which simply states "I, Kenneth Starr, hereby
declare that I feel inadequate in that I don't get anywhere near as
much action as does the President."
- Saturday, September 12
- U.S. President Bill Clinton today issued a rebuttal of the Starr
report. According to a Clinton spokesperson, "The President has had
many calls from women who support him, telling him that he's the first
man who had a sexual relationship for a year or more before coming
in the woman's mouth. The world needs more men like him."
- Monday, September 14
- Computer stores throughout America today reported that keyboards
and mice were selling like hotcakes. "It's all those people who spent
the whole weekend surfing the Internet to read the Starr report,"
said one salesperson, "and either they wore out their keyboards and
mice, or they contaminated them with, um, certain substances while
reading the descriptions of what Monica did. These geeks don't get
out much, you know."
- Friday, September 18
- The U.S. House Judiciary Committee decided today to release the
full videotape of the President's testimony before the Starr
inquisition. "This is a pre-emptive strike," said the chair of
the committee. "Sooner or later, we know that it would appear on
the Internet, probably in a package with the Tommy and Pamela
tape, so we figured we'd release it first."
- Sunday, September 20
- Parti Québecois leader Lucien Bouchard won a battle today
at a PQ policy convention. Many of the delegates wanted to commit
the party to holding a referendum if it wins the next election, while
Bouchard argued that there should be no referendum unless there
were "winning conditions." When asked how he would know that a
win was certain, he replied that his advisors, the Psychic Friends
Network, would surely let him know.
- Monday, September 21
- The videotape of U.S. President Bill Clinton's testimony before
the Kenneth Starr grand jury was released at 9:00 this morning. The
whole nation's productivity ground to a halt for the four hour
duration of the tape. In the afternoon, Starr held a press conference
announcing that he was broadening the scope of his investigation.
"The President's affair has had a serious and detrimental effect on
the productivity of the nation as a whole," said Starr, "and it is
the opinion of this inquisition that he should be held accountable."
- Tuesday, September 22
- Boxing authorities today told former heavyweight champion Mike
Tyson that they're not sure if he's sane enough to be a boxer.
I am not making this up.
October
- Wednesday, October 7
- A task force in Toronto which is looking into improving the
city's taxi fleet came out with a surprising recommendation today.
According to councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong, taxi passengers are
entitled "to a safe, clean taxi operated by a professional,
courteous driver who knows the way around the city and speaks
and understands English." The proposals were met with stiff
resistance by many taxi drivers. At least, it's believed that
the taxi drivers were opposing the proposals; since they were
taxi drivers, nobody could understand what they were saying.
- Friday, October 9
- Toronto dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford, who works under the name
of Madame de Sade, was convicted today of sex offences. Outside the
courtroom, she said "The judge has been a very, very bad boy.
He needs to be spanked."
- Thursday, October 15
- Ontario Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty today announced that if his
party forms the next government, he will introduce legislation to
expand spousal benefits to same-sex couples. Numerous gay activists
expressed disbelief. "Who said that?" said one activist. "I've
never heard of the guy," said another, "does he play for the Leafs
or something?"
- Friday, October 16
- Convicted dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford was today sentenced to
pay a $3000 fine for engaging in sadomasochistic sex in exchange
for money. The judge said "I'd have given her a slap on the
wrist, but she'd probably have enjoyed it."
- Monday, October 19
- Former Spice Girl Ginger Spice was appointed a U.N. Goodwill
Ambassador for Reproductive Health today. In her acceptance
speech, she said "The real reason I left the Spice Girls
is because they were all getting knocked up! I wanted to get
out before I got preggers, too. I mean, like, just think what
it would do to my yummy body."
- Tuesday, October 20
- Prime Minister Jean Chrétien today said that he made a mistake
when he suggested that protesters at the APEC summit should be thankful
that police attacked them with pepper spray instead of baseball bats.
"Dat was not what I had meant to say," said Chrétien. "So, what I
meant was dat dey were lucky I was not working security, or I would
have put my hand around deir neck like I did with dat protester
a couple of year ago. Den dey would ave wished for da pepper spray."
- Friday, October 23
- Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty announced that in an
effort to raise his profile, he will be going into partnership with
convicted dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford. Halfway through the
press conference, however, Bedford ordered him to shut up and lick
her boots, and the publicity stunt failed.
- Wednesday, October 28
- The parent company of the Toronto Star announced a takeover
bid for the parent company of the Toronto Sun. The Star's
publisher said that the main reason for the bid was to gain
rights to the Sunshine Girls. "We thought of putting Michele
Landsberg on page three and blowing up her picture to take most
of the page," he said, "but it scared the hell out of focus
groups."
- Thursday, October 29
- John Glenn made a return trip to space today, close to
40 years after his pioneering mission. When asked how the
ride was, he said "It's a better way to get up than Viagra!"
November
- Tuesday, November 3
- Former professional wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura was
elected governor of Minnesota today. In his acceptance speech,
he promised that in future, governors would be chosen by
cage match. He also mentioned that he would be sponsoring
legislation to do away with presidential elections, replacing
them with tag-team matches.
- Thursday, November 5
- Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty held a news conference
today to announce that he was going to use the same tactics that
Jesse "The Body" Ventura used in his successful bid to become
governor of Minnesota. "I'm going to suplex all my opponents!"
said McGuinty. McGuinty threw his back out when he tried to
demonstrate the technique, and was taken to hospital, where
nobody recognized him and they refused to provide service.
"Who is this guy?" said one nurse. "He can't be the Liberal
leader - they don't have one, do they?"
- Monday, November 9
- The Ontario Progressive Conservative party launched an attack
ad against Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty today. It shows McGuinty's
face surrounded by question marks. Pollsters say that the new ads
failed because nobody knew who they were attacking.
- Friday, November 13
- HRH Charles, the Prince of Wales, celebrated his 50th birthday
today. He participated in a recreation of one scene from the movie
"The Full Monty." The Queen was not amused.
- Sunday, November 15
- Iraq backed down from its refusal to allow United Nations weapons
inspectors to do their jobs. "We were very sorry that we misinterpreted
their literature," said an Iraqi spokesperson. "We thought they were
eating their Kurds and whey, and we were outraged because only Iraqis
have the right to eat Kurds."
- Monday, November 16
- Professional basketball player Dennis Rodman married former Baywatch
model Carmen Electra in Las Vegas over the weekend. "We were fighting
over who got to wear the dress," said Rodman, "so we agreed that we'd
strip down halfway through the ceremony and change clothes." Witnesses
reported that the dress was just right for Electra, but way too short for
Rodman, and that he just didn't have the cleavage for it.
- Tuesday, November 17
- A disgruntled taxpayer set fire to the cashier's wicket in
Vaughan, northwest of Toronto, today to protest what he felt was
an unfairly high electricity bill. "When we suggested that
using natural gas was a more efficient way of heating a home,
that wasn't what we had in mind," said the cashier.
- Thursday, November 19
- Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard today announced that if
his Parti Québecois wins the upcoming provincial election,
he may hold a referendum on something other than outright separation.
"We're really mixed up," said Bouchard, "and don't know what we stand
for any more. We may hold a referendum on separation, or perhaps
on a new Social Union. Or we may just hold a referendum to find out
what the favourite pizza toppings of Québeckers are. We
really don't know. Vote for us and we'll think of something."
- Sunday, November 22
- 60 Minutes broadcast a videotape provided by notorious doctor
Jack Kevorkian, in which one of Dr. Kevorkian's patients requests,
and receives, death by lethal injection. Dr. Kevorkian was
immediately offered a job as a host of the show. "He fits right
in with the other old, wrinkled, opinionated curmudgeons," said
the show's producer. "To sweeten the pot, we've offered to let him
pick which one of our reporters he replaces, and then he gets to
assist them in committing suicide."
- Monday, November 23
- The Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission
(CRTC) today opened hearings into whether it should regulate the
Internet. In his opening remarks, David Colville, head of the
hearings, said "We do not wish to regulate the Internet. We just
want to sanitize it. Some of the bullexpletive deleted by order of
the CRTC that's out there is really expletive deleted by
order of the CRTCed up! I've walked through our offices late at
night and found janitors description of immoral individual
activity deleted by order of the CRTCing while staring at their
expletive deleted by order of the CRTCing computer screens.
It's sick. That's why we're here. Just like you can only show
slang term for a female body part deleted by order of the CRTC
on TV after nine o'clock, we think that you should only be able to
show slang term for a form of interpersonal relations deleted
by order of the CRTC late at night on the Internet, too."
He then demonstrated some of his favourite slang term for
interpersonal relations between more than two people deleted by
order of the CRTC Web sites for reporters.
- Tuesday, November 24
- Basketball superstar Dennis Rodman is seeking an annulment
of his marriage to actress/model Carmen Electra. They were married
just over a week ago. "I discovered her boobs were made of plastic!"
said Rodman, "and that's just not right. I'm really into the natural
thing, y'know?"
- Wednesday, November 25
- Notorious assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was charged
with murder today in connection with his 60 Minutes debut. "He
just killed our ratings," said the producer, "and I'm pretty sure
it was premeditated, so that's murder." Observers suggested that
he was just putting 60 Minutes out of its misery.
- Thursday, November 26
- Former Québec Premier Jacques Parizeau once again put
his foot in his mouth. In a speech, Parizeau said that the real
reason for the separatist agenda was to "milk the rest of Canada"
and "go get our booty." Premier Lucien Bouchard was forced to
admit that Parizeau was right. "Yes, he's right," said Bouchard,
"we separatists are just a bunch of whiny freeloaders trying to
con the rest of the country."
December
- Tuesday, December 8
- Protesters surrounded the hotel in Vancouver where Prime Minister
Jean Chrétien was addressing a Liberal fundraising dinner. They were
protesting last year's APEC pepper-spraying incident. Some protesters
were injured when they were struck with police truncheons. The Prime
Minister remarked "If dey don't like de pepper spray, let's see how
dey like de truncheon."
- Friday, December 11
- U.S. legislators today approved several articles of impeachment
against President Clinton. "We don't know how to deal with the nation's
real problems," said one, "so we're doing this to look like we're really
busy."
- Wednesday, December 16
- American and British forces bombed Iraq in the wake of Saddam
Hussein's refusal to honour commitments to permit U.N. weapons
inspection teams. U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton released
a statement alleging that Hussein was part of the "vast right-wing
conspiracy" aiming to overthrow her husband's government and that
he had to be stopped.
- Saturday, December 19
- The U.S. House of Representatives today impeached President
Clinton. "We still don't know how to deal with the nation's real
problems," said one, "so we're doing this to look like we're really
busy."
- Sunday, December 20
- An Oklahoma woman is the proud mother of octuplets following
therapy using fertility drugs. Kenneth Starr announced that he
will be investigating to find out if President Clinton had anything
to do with it.
- Tuesday, December 22
- The Ontario human rights commission ruled today that landlords
cannot discriminate against prospective tenants based on income.
"Just because some people can't afford to pay the rent doesn't mean
you can deny them a lease," said the commission, adding that they
hope to be able to expand the ruling to apply to all goods and
services. "Just because you can't afford beer or cigarettes or
tickets to Phantom doesn't mean you should be denied the right to
buy these things."
- Thursday, December 31
- In his year-end address to the nation, Special Prosecutor Kenneth
Starr admits that he staged the whole inquisition just to impress
Jodie Foster.
Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this
stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its
contents are copyright © 1998-99 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights
reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without
prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines
are permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you.
Stop right now!