Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a chronology of the major news stories of 1998.

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Saturday, January 3
Relatives of Michael Kennedy gather for his funeral. Kennedy was playing a game of ski football when he decided to demonstrate to his kids how to fake out a defensive lineman. Unfortunately, the tree he chose as a demonstration dummy didn't fall for it.
Monday, January 5
Upset at perpetually being upstaged, this time by Michael Kennedy, Sonny Bono decides to prove that you don't need to be playing football to fake out a lineman. Unfortunately, his tree didn't fall for it, either.
Tuesday, January 6
In the first official meeting of the new Toronto council, the results of a vote were announced as 56-2, in a council with only 57 members. When asked who got the extra vote, Mayor Mel Lastman winked, made an OK sign, and yelled "Noooooo-BODY!"
Wednesday, January 7
In a landmark decision, the government of Canada apologizes for hanging Louis Riel and says that they'd love to try to bring him back from the dead, but finance minister Paul Martin didn't budget any money for it.
Thursday, January 8
Mayor Lastman is sued by the monkey from the Bad Boy commercials, who claims infringement on his act.
Friday, January 9
An unnamed source has revealed that Cher is having difficulty deciding whether she should commemorate the life of her ex-husband, Sonny Bono, by having another rib removed or by having a tree tattooed on her forehead, just like Sonny did.
Saturday, January 10
Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard blames Canada for the ice storm which has paralyzed the region around Montréal. "This storm, it came from Canada! It is nothing but a tactic to punish Québeckers for being a soveriegn nation," said Bouchard.
Sunday, January 11
Having noticed the publicity gained by Sonny Bono and Michael Kennedy by skiing into trees, Ontario Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty states in a press release that he will ski into a tree later this week.
Monday, January 12
Shirley MacLaine files suit against the Canadian government. Her lawyers claim that she was Louis Riel in a former life, and that the government's apology entitles her to compensation. Riel was hanged in 1885, and MacLaine is claiming $1 million, plus interest and inflation since 1885.
Tuesday, January 13
The monkey who sued Mel Lastman turns out to be Mel's son, Blaine, in another cheap publicity stunt.
Wednesday, January 14
In his first interview since being sentenced to 18 months in jail for fraud, Alan Eagleson gave a surprising justification for his actions. "I didn't really want the money myself," Eagleson said. "I only did it to impress Jodie Foster."
Thursday, January 15
The Supreme Court heard Canada's contention that Québec cannot unilaterally secede. Québec's response was translated by the court's translator as "You can't make me, neener, neener, neener!"
Friday, January 16
U.S. Senator John Glenn and NASA jointly announce that Sen. Glenn will be returning to space, becoming the oldest man to go into space. Glenn will be involved in research into aging and the effects of space travel on older people. NASA also announced that a second teacher will soon fly in space. Upon meeting her, Glenn was heard announcing that he hopes she will be on his flight, as this would permit research into the effects of aging on sex in space.
Saturday, January 17
Paula Jones and U.S. President Bill Clinton met today to exchange evidence related to her lawsuit, which alleges that President Clinton made unwanted sexual advances towards her while he was the governor of Arkansas. Entering the meeting, Clinton was overheard saying to one of his bodyguards, "Boy, I'd sure like to exchange some evidence with her!"
Monday, January 19
In a press release smuggled out of his jail cell, Alan Eagleson announced that he has organized a pension plan for his fellow inmates. According to a quote from an unnamed inmate, "Alan is just like one of us. He's one of the guys."
Tuesday, January 20
Disgraced hockey czar Alan Eagleson has agreed with the Law Society of Upper Canada that his conduct was "unbecoming a barrister and solicitor." In a statement read by his lawyer, Brian Greenspan, Eagleson apologized for having been caught, saying "I did not intend to cause my clients the pain and hardship of knowing I stole from them."
Wednesday, January 21
Embattled U.S. President Bill Clinton, in the midst of a sexual harrassment lawsuit from Paula Jones, is rumoured to have had an affair with young White House intern Monica Lewinsky. A prepared statement read by one of Clinton's press staff denies this claim. "Ms. Lewinsky is a unique individual. She's the only known woman in the United States I have not slept with."
Thursday, January 22
Theodore Kaczynski pleaded guilty to being the Unabomber, in exchange for a promise from prosecutors that he would not be put to death for his crimes. The lead prosecutor, happy with the deal, said "At least we know that any mail he sends from now on will be inspected for bombs. If we killed him, we wouldn't have had that assurance."
Friday, January 23
U.S. President Bill Clinton had a star dedicated to the Presidential Penis on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. After its impression was left in the concrete, the First Member was greeted warmly by several bystanders who appeared to be familiar with it.
Monday, January 26
U.S. President Bill Clinton holds a press conference to announce that he hasn't gotten laid in several days.
Tuesday, January 27
Buddy, the family dog of U.S. President Bill Clinton, holds a press conference to announce that he is not aware of his master having had any sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. He agreed with a reporter who suggested that people and their dogs often look and behave alike. After the press conference, Buddy's handlers had to restrain him from humping the legs of several reporters.
Wednesday, January 28
Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of U.S. President Bill Clinton, announced that she was suing her father over her name. A recent edition of Consumer Reports listed the top ten dogs' names in America, and both Buddy and Chelsea are on the list. Buddy is the name chosen for the First Canine.
Friday, January 30
News reporters throughout Ontario, realizing that they have not heard from Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty in a while, recall his announcement that he would ski into a tree. "None of us showed up to report on the event," said one who did not wish to be named. "We feel that we have let Mr. McGuinty down by not showing up. To make amends, we are organizing search parties to find him and make sure that he's OK."


Monday, February 2
The lawyer for Monica Lewinsky admitted today that his client exaggerated. "Ms. Lewinsky did not, in fact, perform oral sex upon the President himself. Everyone else in the White House, yes, but not Mr. Clinton."
Tuesday, February 3
The press search for Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty was called off today. According to one unidentified reporter, "We were unable to recall what he looked like. We ran a massive manhunt through our photo files, but couldn't find a single picture of him. We even contacted his wife, but she couldn't remember a single thing about him."
Wednesday, February 4
The Québec government today sent Ottawa a bill for $1 billion in compensation for the ice storm. Intergovernmental Affairs minister Jacques Brassard said "We are asking that the Canadian government take responsibility for this storm. It passed through Ontario on its way to Québec, and they could have stopped it, but instead they sent it to damage us. Canada must pay."
Friday, February 6
Paula Jones admitted that she, too, "exaggerated" the extent of her relationship with U.S. President Bill Clinton. In a statement read by her lawyer, Ms. Jones stated "He didn't actually ask me to perform oral sex on him. It was implied, though. I know it was. All my friends said he wanted me."
Sunday, February 8
Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati surprises the snowboarding world by winning the gold medal at the Olympics. Nobody knows how he feels about it, however, since he speaks only snowboardese. "Gnarly, dude," he said. "I shredded so rad! I'm stoked!"
Tuesday, February 10
Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati had his Olympic gold medal taken away after he tested positive for marijuana. He has launched an appeal, saying "Whoa, dude, I'm, like, bummed! That's bogus."
Wednesday, February 11
Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati's gold medal was reinstated after he shared a joint with International Olympic Committee chairman Juan Antonio Samaranch. "It was radical, but I did not inhale," said Samaranch.
Friday, February 13
Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr sued Monica Lewinsky today for emotional abuse. He struggled to hold back tears as he told a press conference, "I have extensive evidence of Miss Lewinsky having slept with everyone in Washington except for me. I feel left out."
Saturday, February 14
In honour of Valentine's Day, U.S. President Bill Clinton declared in a televised address that he loved "all of the women in this great nation." He told them "I feel your pain" and promised to kiss them all better. All over.
Sunday, February 15
A number of competitors and commentators involved in the Olympic Ice Dance competition accused the judges of voting in blocks to ensure that certain dancers won. The judges professed innocence in public. However, one judge who did not wish to be named privately mentioned that Tanya Harding had threatened to whack her on the knees unless she got all of the other judges to vote together.
Monday, February 16
Opening arguments began today in the federal government's Supreme Court case to determine what right, if any, Québec has to separate from Canada. Bloc Québecois leader Gilles Duceppe held a press conference to denounce the trial. "This is a democratic society," said Duceppe. "If we want to determine what's best for the oppressive Canadian nation, we will!"
Wednesday, February 18
An unnamed source in the White House revealed today that President Clinton's alleged affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky was the result of a mixed-up name. "The President was watching figure skating," said the source, "and got the hots for one of the skaters. He said he wanted us to get him that Lipinski chick, but the secret service agent didn't get the name right, and he went to fetch Ms. Lewinsky instead."
Thursday, February 19
Authorities in Las Vegas, Nevada arrested two men who had been accumulating anthrax, a lethal bacterium which can be used for biological warfare. Upon hearing this, Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski slapped his forehead and said "Why didn't I think of that?"
Sunday, February 22
United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan announced today that he and Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein had reached an agreement to permit U.N. weapons inspectors full access to suspected Iraqi weapons sites. Hussein explained his change of heart by saying that the ongoing pressure had been taking a toll on him, and unlike Clinton, he had no interns to relieve the tension.
Monday, February 23
A series of tornadoes destroyed homes and killed dozens of people in Central Florida overnight. Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr has begun probing the area, claiming that these tornadoes might be indicted for destroying evidence about the President and his alleged extramarital affair with Monica Lewinsky.
Tuesday, February 24
U.S. President Bill Clinton toured the area of Florida which was devastated by tornadoes. After private meetings with several area residents, he declared "That was quite a blow!"
Friday, February 27
Disgraced hockey czar Alan Eagleson was stripped of his Order of Canada today. When asked to give it back, he claimed that he'd invested it in a pension fund and that it had gone missing. He pledged that when he gets out of jail, he will dedicate his life to finding the real thief.


Tuesday, March 3
Québec Liberal Leader Daniel Johnson announced today that he will step down as his party's leader. He was apparently forced to resign by the language police, who claimed that his name did not feature twice as many French words as English ones.
Wednesday, March 4
Basketball player Latrell Sprewell, who had been suspended from the NBA for a year after choking his coach, has been ordered reinstated by the NBA. When asked what his winning strategy was, Sprewell's lawyer claimed that Sprewell thought his coach was a chicken.
Thursday, March 5
A Washington newspaper printed excerpts supposedly from U.S. President Bill Clinton's sealed deposition in the Paula Jones sexual harrassment case. The President is said to be extremely upset. "I feel like I've been revealed," he said.
Monday, March 9
U.S. President Bill Clinton announces that he has asked Latrell Sprewell to join the U.N. weapons inspection teams which will be investigating Iraqi President Saddam Hussein's residences. "Our inspectors need protection," said Clinton.
Thursday, March 12
A man claiming to be Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty was arrested today at the provincial legislature. Police report that the man could not provide any proof of his identity, and a search of the province's database shows no record of a person by that name.
Sunday, March 15
Former White House Volunteer Kathleen Willey said in a televised interview that U.S. President Bill Clinton had offered her his penis. "He said, 'Here, Willey, meet Slick Willie's Willy!'"
Tuesday, March 17
Hillary Rodham Clinton appeared before the Kenneth Starr Inquisition and accused Bill Clinton of having groped her. She denied, however, that he had offered her his penis.
Thursday, March 19
O.J. Simpson today announced his public support for embattled U.S. President Bill Clinton, and asked that Americans dedicate their lives to finding "the real groper."
Monday, March 23
U.S. President Bill Clinton, visiting Ghana, yelled and swatted at the throng of people who came out to greet him. According to a White House staffer, initial reports that he told them to get away from him were incorrect. "The President was merely indicating that he had all the mistresses he needed and would not be requiring their services," said the unnamed official.
Friday, March 27
U.S. President Bill Clinton was given a tour of the jail cell where South African President Nelson Mandela spent many years under the old Apartheid system. Clinton is reported to have mentioned that the room looked perfect for Kenneth Starr.


Wednesday, April 1
In the spirit of April Fools Day, lawyers for all of the women who claim to have been abused by Bill Clinton announced that they were just kidding. It was really Hillary who came on to all of their clients.
Thursday, April 2
Cincinatti Reds owner Marge Schott is recovering from hip surgery. Doctors say that the surgery was required because of long-term strain on her hip from putting her foot in her mouth so many times.
Friday, April 3
Upset at having had her lawsuit against U.S. President Bill Clinton thrown out of court, Paula Jones announced that she is suing Monica Lewinsky. "That bitch stole my man," said Jones.
Saturday, April 4
Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard accused English Canada of being responsible for the floods in his province. However, he declined the offer of Canadian Forces troops to help residents defend their homes against the floodwaters, claiming that it would amount to an invasion of a soveriegn nation.
Sunday, April 5
Québec Liberal Party leadership candidate Jean Charest today told Premier Lucien Bouchard to shut up. "Shut up, you idiot!" said Charest, in front of a large and appreciate crowd.
Monday, April 6
Special Persecutor Kenneth Starr today sued Bill Clinton for having wasted his time. "If he didn't grope these women, if he didn't have sex with these women, why didn't he tell me? Do you know how many tee times I've had to cancel with O.J. so that I could work on this case?"
Tuesday, April 7
The Canadian government today awarded Jean Charest the Order of Canada for having told Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard to shut up. The day was declared a national holiday. "We are also proclaiming dis as a national oliday," said Prime Minister Jean Chrétien.
Wednesday, April 8
Pop star George Michael was arrested for allegedly performing an obscene act in a public restroom. "I can't say what he was doing because it's subject to pending legal action," said one of the arresting officers, "but it sure gives a new meaning to Wham!"
Thursday, April 9
A man who was convicted of exposing himself to joggers in a park in Toronto was sentenced to spend one week walking around in front of the courthouse wearing a sign saying "I performed an indecent act in High Park." To borrow from Dave Barry, we are not making this up. Naturally, the man is appealing, and said that he would greatly prefer a jail term.
Sunday, April 12
Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr alleged today that one of his kids found an Easter egg which had been fertilized by U.S. President Bill Clinton.
Thursday, April 16
Paula Jones has announced that she's appealing. U.S. President Bill Clinton has filed a motion asking a judge to declare that she is not.
Monday, April 20
Bloc Québecois MP Stéphan Tremblay stormed out of the House of Commons today and took his seat with him. In a press conference, he said "I take this chair because it belongs to Québec. It may have been paid for by Canadian taxpayers, and it may have been built by Canadians, and its rightful place may be in Canada, so logically it belongs to Québec, because Québec is a nation." Bloc Québecois leader Gilles Duceppe agreed with the logic, as did Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard. Reporters were left scratching their heads, and Tremblay left the press conference before reporters could ask him to explain further.
Wednesday, April 22
Green Bay Packers defensive end Reggie White today announced that he will not retire, as he had announced in a press conference two days ago. "That was just a dream," White said, "just like that Dallas episode."
Thursday, April 23
Dolly the sheep, who made headlines last year when she was cloned from an adult sheep cell, gave birth. Kenneth Starr has demanded DNA samples as part of his ongoing investigation into President Clinton's sexual habits.
Sunday, April 26
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien began his trip to Cuba today by meeting with Cuban dictator Fidel Castro. "Dese are de best cigars I have ever tasted," said Chrétien, "and dat's de only reason I'm here. I want all of my American friends to be able to try dese cigars."


Monday, May 4
Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski was sentenced today to four consecutive life terms. His lawyers say that holding him for three life terms after his first one expires when he dies constitues cruel and unusual punishment. Prosecutors fear that Kaczynski will engage in a letter-writing campaign to change the sentence.
Tuesday, May 5
Ontario Finance Minister Ernie Eves delivered his government's budget today. "We are concerned with the promotion of democracy in Ontario," said Eves, "and so the fact that the leader of the Liberal Party has vanished is of great concern. We are therefore setting aside $300 million to assist in the search for Dalton McGuinty." Liberal MPPs applauded, but voiced worries that it was a waste of government money, as nobody would recognize Mr. McGuinty "even if they ran him over with a searchlight," in the words of one MPP.
Thursday, May 7
Daimler-Benz announced today that it had completed acquisition talks with Chrysler. Volkswagen also announced that it had received Rolls-Royce's approval of its takeover bid, snatching the British luxury automaker out of the clutches of BMW. In response, Microsoft announced that it was buying BMW, Yugo announced that it was buying Bre-X, and Volvo announced that since its cars are so boxy, they would be acquiring a major box manufacturer in order to share design costs.
Monday, May 11
It was recently announced that, as part of Kenneth Starr's original Whitewater investigation, a lawyer went through all of the Clinton family's personal belongings at the White House. One of Starr's aides reports that they found "nothing of interest, other than a collection of souvenirs signed by the staff of Hooters of Washington."
Tuesday, May 12
A truck driver was arrested today for having taken a load of broccoli hostage. I am not making this up.
Friday, May 15
In the latest in a series of clinical trials of the new anti-impotence drug Viagra, Italian scientists have claimed a major breakthrough. "For years our engineers have been working on this problem without success," said Dr. Piero Flatulosi, "but finally the Leaning Tower of Pisa is upright."
Sunday, May 17
A report from the FBI shows that the crime rate in the U.S. continues to drop. Studies show that even the most hardened criminals are afraid of Attorney General Janet Reno.
Monday, May 18
A number of officials of the U.S. federal and state governments filed suit today against Microsoft, asking the courts to block distribution of Microsoft Windows 98.
Tuesday, May 19
Microsoft Corporation announced today that it had agreed to purchase God, and that God had decreed the eleventh commandment: "Thou shalt not sue Microsoft, nor shall thou sue Bill Gates, nor shall thou sue anything that is Microsoft's, nor shall thou sue anything that is Bill Gates'."
Thursday, May 28
Pakistan today set off five nuclear test explosions. A spokesman for the government said "We have heard the rumours of dissent among the Spice Girls, and we are pleased that these immoral infidels are in trouble. We exploded one bomb for each girl. We warn you, we will continue to set off nuclear bombs until the Spice Girls are history!"
Friday, May 29
The Québec Language Police today threatened the publisher of a newspaper. When the newspaper's office was raided by the Language Police, the publisher started taking pictures of the officer. "I asked her why she was raiding my office," said the publisher, "but I could not understand what she said. Two out of every three words she said were French, and she said them twice as loudly as the English words. You try understanding someone who says 'NOUS NE can PAS ACCEPTER that VOUS PRENEZ pictures DE NOS officers QUAND ILS raid VOTRE BUREAU.'"
Sunday, May 31
The world was shocked today by the announcement that Ginger Spice has left the Spice Girls. In related news, the Pakistani government detonated another nuclear bomb, and released a statement saying "One down, four to go."


Monday, June 1
In a speech which outraged Canadians, Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard (Separatist Spice) stood on a balcony and declared, "Vive l'épice Gingembre Libre!" Later, he issued this statement: "If the Spice Girls are divisible, then so is Canada."
Tuesday, June 2
Toronto Mayor Bad Boy Spice (otherwise known as Mel Lastman) made public a letter he had sent to Ginger Spice, asking her to please, please, pretty please, pretty please with a cherry on top, remain with the Spice Girls until their current tour is finished. "I was so jealous when you pinched Big-Ears Spice's (Prince Charles) butt," wrote Lastman, "and I would be incredibly disappointed if you weren't in Toronto to pinch mine!"
Wednesday, June 3
The RCMP is investigating irregularities in the approval process for silicone gel breast implants. In the late 1980s and early 1990s, Health Canada had been warned of possible problems, but had covered them up. The official responsible, interviewed at a local strip club, said "We realized that we'd put places like this out of business if we outlawed breast implants. Besides which, we really, really like fake boobies!"
Thursday, June 4
Special Persecutor Nosy Spice (formerly known as Kenneth Starr) today subpoenaed Ginger Spice and her former bandmates, the Spice Girls, to testify as to whether improper advances by U.S. President Bill Clinton (First Spice) were involved in breaking up their band.
Friday, June 5
The Spice Girls announced today that they have filled the shoes vacated when Ginger Spice left the band. "Silicone Spice wanted to find out firsthand what it's like to be in a band," said spokesperson Lawyer Spice, "so we hired her." Lawyers for the former Pamela Anderson Lee confirm that she has legally changed her name as part of joining the band.
Tuesday, June 9
A number of men who have been taking the anti-impotence drug Viagra have been found to have died immediately following sexual intercourse. To comply with new truth-in-advertising laws, the marketing slogan for Viagra has now been changed to "Die hard!"
Friday, June 12
Spokesperson Spice today announced that the Spice Girl formerly known as Silicone Spice has been renamed. "We realize the effect that she has on our male fans, so we have retired the Silicone Spice name in favour of Viagra Spice."
Monday, June 15
The Spice Girls performed the first concert of their North American tour, the first concert since Ginger Spice left the band. The concert, in Florida, took place in the middle of a heat wave, prompting the girls to strip naked to combat the heat. As a result, they have renamed themselves Shaved Spice, Hirsute Spice, Saggy Spice, and Cellulite Spice.
Wednesday, June 24
Québeckers celebrating St. Jean Baptiste Day smashed windows and looted stores. In another of his mind-numbing leaps of logic, Premier Lucien Bouchard blamed the violence on the oppressive nature of Canada, which has kept Québec repressed and denied its nationhood.
Thursday, June 25
Former Prime Minister Joe Who threw his hat into the federal Progressive Conservative Party leadership contest today. He claimed strong support, claiming that nobody knew of any mistakes he'd ever made. "When your name is Joe Who," declared Mr. Who, "and nobody knows who you are, it's easy to be squeaky clean!"
Friday, June 26
Actor Burt Reynolds held a press conference to announce that he was asking Demi Moore out on a date. "I understand how difficult it must be for her, breaking up with her husband of ten years and the father of her three children," said Reynolds, "which is why I have given her time to get over the breakup she experienced yesterday. But after working with her on the movie Striptease, and comparing her to all the girls I worked with in Boogie Nights, I just couldn't wait any longer!"
Sunday, June 28
U.S. President Bill Clinton today claimed an important breakthrough for human rights in China. He has reached an agreement with Chinese leaders to free a number of political prisoners. A spokesman for the Chinese government explained that for every pound of fried rice eaten by President Clinton, China will free one political prisoner.


Wednesday, July 1
In a speech just before boarding a plane to Hong Kong, U.S. President Bill Clinton claimed that under the deal reached the previous weekend with Chinese authorities, he had singlehandedly freed fifty Chinese political prisoners. In a separate statement, the First Lady referred to her husband as "that rice-eating pig."
Saturday, July 4
The results of a Spam recipe contest were announced today. The winning entry was called "Spam Salad on a Tortilla." We are not making this up.
Sunday, July 5
Japanese scientists announced today that, using a similar process to the one used to clone a sheep, they have cloned a cow. "We feel that bringing more sheep into a world filled with lonely men is cruel," said the scientists, "and we believe that cloning cows is therefore much more socially responsible."
Monday, July 6
Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman announced today that he is so thrilled that the Spice Girls had agreed to perform a second show in Toronto. At the same news conference, Spokesperson Spice read a statement from the band, saying "We figured he'd never shut up until we agreed to do another performance. Hopefully now all of the people of Toronto will have some peace and quiet."
Tuesday, July 7
Police in Japan announced that there has been a serious increase in the incidence of cow-tipping since scientists cloned a cow. The scientists were unavailable to comment; their press agent reported that they were doing "field work."
Wednesday, July 8
Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman was on suicide watch today as news spread that the Spice Girls would be unable to perform a second show in Toronto. "And I thought they were such wonderful young women," a sobbing Lastman said, "and now look what they've done to me."
Thursday, July 9
Boxing promoter Don King was found not guilty today of charges of fraud. "This trial was a hair-raising experience," said King.
Friday, July 10
Word spread today that Scary Spice has broken off her engagement to one of the dancers on the Spice Girls tour. According to Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman, the rift between Scary and her former fiancé developed over the cancellation of the Spice Girls' second Toronto appearance. Spokesperson Spice was unavailable for comment.
Saturday, July 11
In a carefully staged publicity stunt, the town of Mesquite, Nevada today held its first annual Running of the Bulls. "We had originally invited the Vice-President," said an organizer, "and we were planning to strap horns on him and call it Gored by Gore."
Sunday, July 12
Former Prime Minister Brian "The Chin" Mulroney was named to the Order of Canada today. In response, disgraced hockey czar Alan Eagleson threatened to turn in his Order of Canada medal in disgust, until he was reminded that the government had already taken it back.
Wednesday, July 15
Police in several countries arrested fourteen suspected members of an important Mafia family in early morning raids today. "After the Brian Mulroney thing, we just wanted to make sure that none of these guys got an Order of Canada," said one of the officers involved in the bust.
Monday, July 20
A cruise ship caught fire just offshore near Miami, Florida today. According to one of the passengers, "I was trying to make out with Captain Stubing's daughter in the laundry room, and I guess we were so hot that it caught fire."
Tuesday, July 21
Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, reported today that it is testing a new drug to combat arthritis. "We had received numerous complaints from Viagra users," said a spokesperson, "that they now had these massive erections but their bones and joints were too stiff to let them do anything. So we wanted to see what we could do to help." A source, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed that Pfizer is also working on drugs to help people who are fat, ugly, smelly, or just downright unpleasant get laid, too.
Wednesday, July 22
Toronto police today began a serious crackdown on squeegee kids after a complaint from a resident. "I've been keeping all kinds of dirt on my windshield on purpose," said the resident, "so that I had a good excuse for running all those red lights - I couldn't see them! Now that damn squeegee kid has cleaned it all off and I got a ticket for running a red light. It's just not fair!"
Friday, July 24
A gunman stormed the U.S. Capitol Building today, shooting at random people and killing two police officers before being apprehended. He said he only did it "to impress Jodie Foster."
Sunday, July 26
For the first time in history, a sitting U.S. President has been issued a subpoena to appear before a grand jury. President Clinton today received a subpoena from Special Prosecutor Ken Starr. Starr released a statement saying that the subpoena will force the President to "open his mouth, just like Monica did."
Monday, July 27
Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr had a private meeting today behind closed doors at a secret location in New York. Starr later said that "Miss Lewinsky showed great interest in the briefs I had prepared. I found our meeting to be most satisfactory."
Tuesday, July 28
Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr today announced that he has granted full immunity to Monica Lewinsky in exchange for her testimony. "After all, if the President put something in Monica's mouth, we can't hold her responsible for spilling it," said Starr.
Wednesday, July 29
President Clinton has agreed to provide testimony on videotape. Confidential sources say that this tape will soon be available in a package deal along with the Tommy and Pamela tape. Order now, and they'll even throw in the Linda Starr tapes!
Thursday, July 30
The FBI today released the results of testing on the alleged semen-stained dress which Monica Lewinsky provided. "We believe we have conclusive evidence," said the lab director, "that what goes into Miss Lewinsky's mouth sometimes comes back out again. She was eating a chicken sandwich and spilled some mayonnaise on her dress."
Friday, July 31
On the eve of the Major League Baseball trading deadline, the Toronto Blue Jays traded away a number of players, including Juan Guzman and Ed Sprague. In return, they got a number of draft picks, minor league prospects, and a hundred pounds of moose meat. "Someone said that moose meat is great food for athletes," said general manager Gord Ash, "and we sure could use all the help we could get!"


Monday, August 3
A Toronto police officer was formally charged today with discreditable conduct after it was alleged that he stopped a number of motorists who were speeding, but wrote them up for 1 km/h over the limit rather than the actual speed they were travelling. We are not making this up (well, not to this point, anyway). Police took action after receiving several complaints from motorists who had been issued tickets by this particular officer. "I was doing 160 km/h on the 401," said one motorist, "and this officer wrote me up for 101! I was furious! All I wanted to do was to contribute my fair share to the government, and all I got was a tiny little ticket." If convicted, the officer faces anything from a reprimand to dismissal.
Thursday, August 6
Monica Lewinsky testified before the Kenneth Starr Grand Inquisition today. Reports suggest that she was visibly upset by the suggestion that she had spilled some of the President's semen on one of her dresses. "I swallowed it all, I swear!" she declared. Meanwhile, President Clinton was hosting a rally in favour of gun control at the White House. "It's very important to be careful where you shoot," said Clinton, "or you can make a real mess."
Friday, August 7
Terrorists today detonated large car bombs at the U.S. Embassies in Kenya and Tanzania. A disgruntled group of Americans claimed responsibility, stating that they were sick and tired of the Kenneth Starr inquisition and would keep blowing up U.S. government buildings until they finally got rid of him.
Sunday, August 9
U.S. President Bill Clinton today threatened that unless someone stepped forward to accept responsibility for the recent embassy bombings, he would appoint a special prosecutor to investigate. Fifty-one terrorist groups immediately surrendered, begging for leniency.
Tuesday, August 11
Boy George declared that he wants to sleep with U.S. President Bill Clinton. In a coordinated announcement, Linda Tripp announced that she would like to tape the encounter, and it will soon be for sale, packaged with the Tommy and Pamela tape.
Wednesday, August 12
A U.S. military spy satellite exploded today, 40 seconds after being launched from Cape Canaveral. The satellite cost $1 billion and was designed to eavesdrop on communications in the Middle East and Asia. According to a military spokesperson, they will try again, but with a less expensive solution. "We'll just give Linda Tripp a tape recorder and strap her to a rocket," said the spokesperson. President Clinton wholeheartedly endorsed the plan.
Monday, August 17
U.S. President Bill Clinton testified today before the grand jury which is investigating his alleged affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. The President stated that yes, he had an affair with Lewinsky, but that it wasn't his fault because someone had been feeding him Viagra. The President began his remarks by saying "Good evening. This afternoon in this room, I gave oral, um, testimony, and boy, do I have new appreciation for Miss Lewinsky now. Oh, and one of the women on the grand jury has really, really nice cleavage."
Wednesday, August 19
Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr reportedly has received a DNA sample from President Clinton. A spokesperson for Clinton said that the President agreed to provide a sample "but only to the right person - blonde, blue-eyed, voluptuous is a good combination."
Thursday, August 20
The Supreme Court ruled this morning that Québec does not have the right to secede unilaterally from Canada, either under Canadian or international law. In response, Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard announced that not only does Canada trample on his rights, so does international law, so he will secede from both. "In fact," said Bouchard, "we are thinking of leaving Earth entirely and setting up our own little planet somewhere where we will be treated with respect."
Friday, August 21
In retaliation for the bombing of its embassies, the U.S. today bombed a pharmaceutical plant in Sudan and a terrorist training camp in Afghanistan. "We figured that if the people injured in the Afghanistan attack needed medicine, then by blowing up the medicine plant they wouldn't get any," explained a State Department official.
Sunday, August 23
Scary Spice announced that she is pregnant. Posh had announced a few days earlier that she, too, is expecting. Millions of little girls all over the world have rushed out to get pregnant so that they, too, can be just like their idols. It has been reported that U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton (also known as Frigid Spice) has chained her husband in the house, to make sure that he's not involved in any way.
Monday, August 24
Gillian Guess, convicted of obstruction of justice for having an affair with a man while serving on the jury at his trial, has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. Guess, who has proclaimed her innocence all along, has filed an appeal, claiming that her right to be set free was violated by the judge not having taken her up on her "repeated and reasonable" offers to sleep with him, too.
Monday, August 31
Major stock markets around the world suffered heavy losses again today. The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell by over 500 points. U.S. President Clinton, on his way to Russia to meet with Russian President Boris Yeltsin, was heard to comment that lately the Dow Jones has been going down "almost as regularly as Monica did!"


Tuesday, September 8
St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire today broke Roger Maris' record for most home runs in a single season. When a reporter asked McGwire what drove him to such heights, McGwire admitted that he only did it to impress Jodie Foster.
Wednesday, September 9
For the first time in a week, U.S. President Bill Clinton failed to call a press conference specifically to say that he was sorry.
Friday, September 11
Special Persecutor Kenneth Starr's report on Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky was released to the public today. The report included over a thousand explanatory footnotes, including footnote number 735 which simply states "I, Kenneth Starr, hereby declare that I feel inadequate in that I don't get anywhere near as much action as does the President."
Saturday, September 12
U.S. President Bill Clinton today issued a rebuttal of the Starr report. According to a Clinton spokesperson, "The President has had many calls from women who support him, telling him that he's the first man who had a sexual relationship for a year or more before coming in the woman's mouth. The world needs more men like him."
Monday, September 14
Computer stores throughout America today reported that keyboards and mice were selling like hotcakes. "It's all those people who spent the whole weekend surfing the Internet to read the Starr report," said one salesperson, "and either they wore out their keyboards and mice, or they contaminated them with, um, certain substances while reading the descriptions of what Monica did. These geeks don't get out much, you know."
Friday, September 18
The U.S. House Judiciary Committee decided today to release the full videotape of the President's testimony before the Starr inquisition. "This is a pre-emptive strike," said the chair of the committee. "Sooner or later, we know that it would appear on the Internet, probably in a package with the Tommy and Pamela tape, so we figured we'd release it first."
Sunday, September 20
Parti Québecois leader Lucien Bouchard won a battle today at a PQ policy convention. Many of the delegates wanted to commit the party to holding a referendum if it wins the next election, while Bouchard argued that there should be no referendum unless there were "winning conditions." When asked how he would know that a win was certain, he replied that his advisors, the Psychic Friends Network, would surely let him know.
Monday, September 21
The videotape of U.S. President Bill Clinton's testimony before the Kenneth Starr grand jury was released at 9:00 this morning. The whole nation's productivity ground to a halt for the four hour duration of the tape. In the afternoon, Starr held a press conference announcing that he was broadening the scope of his investigation. "The President's affair has had a serious and detrimental effect on the productivity of the nation as a whole," said Starr, "and it is the opinion of this inquisition that he should be held accountable."
Tuesday, September 22
Boxing authorities today told former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson that they're not sure if he's sane enough to be a boxer. I am not making this up.


Wednesday, October 7
A task force in Toronto which is looking into improving the city's taxi fleet came out with a surprising recommendation today. According to councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong, taxi passengers are entitled "to a safe, clean taxi operated by a professional, courteous driver who knows the way around the city and speaks and understands English." The proposals were met with stiff resistance by many taxi drivers. At least, it's believed that the taxi drivers were opposing the proposals; since they were taxi drivers, nobody could understand what they were saying.
Friday, October 9
Toronto dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford, who works under the name of Madame de Sade, was convicted today of sex offences. Outside the courtroom, she said "The judge has been a very, very bad boy. He needs to be spanked."
Thursday, October 15
Ontario Liberal leader Dalton McGuinty today announced that if his party forms the next government, he will introduce legislation to expand spousal benefits to same-sex couples. Numerous gay activists expressed disbelief. "Who said that?" said one activist. "I've never heard of the guy," said another, "does he play for the Leafs or something?"
Friday, October 16
Convicted dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford was today sentenced to pay a $3000 fine for engaging in sadomasochistic sex in exchange for money. The judge said "I'd have given her a slap on the wrist, but she'd probably have enjoyed it."
Monday, October 19
Former Spice Girl Ginger Spice was appointed a U.N. Goodwill Ambassador for Reproductive Health today. In her acceptance speech, she said "The real reason I left the Spice Girls is because they were all getting knocked up! I wanted to get out before I got preggers, too. I mean, like, just think what it would do to my yummy body."
Tuesday, October 20
Prime Minister Jean Chrétien today said that he made a mistake when he suggested that protesters at the APEC summit should be thankful that police attacked them with pepper spray instead of baseball bats. "Dat was not what I had meant to say," said Chrétien. "So, what I meant was dat dey were lucky I was not working security, or I would have put my hand around deir neck like I did with dat protester a couple of year ago. Den dey would ave wished for da pepper spray."
Friday, October 23
Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty announced that in an effort to raise his profile, he will be going into partnership with convicted dominatrix Terri-Jean Bedford. Halfway through the press conference, however, Bedford ordered him to shut up and lick her boots, and the publicity stunt failed.
Wednesday, October 28
The parent company of the Toronto Star announced a takeover bid for the parent company of the Toronto Sun. The Star's publisher said that the main reason for the bid was to gain rights to the Sunshine Girls. "We thought of putting Michele Landsberg on page three and blowing up her picture to take most of the page," he said, "but it scared the hell out of focus groups."
Thursday, October 29
John Glenn made a return trip to space today, close to 40 years after his pioneering mission. When asked how the ride was, he said "It's a better way to get up than Viagra!"


Tuesday, November 3
Former professional wrestler Jesse "The Body" Ventura was elected governor of Minnesota today. In his acceptance speech, he promised that in future, governors would be chosen by cage match. He also mentioned that he would be sponsoring legislation to do away with presidential elections, replacing them with tag-team matches.
Thursday, November 5
Ontario Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty held a news conference today to announce that he was going to use the same tactics that Jesse "The Body" Ventura used in his successful bid to become governor of Minnesota. "I'm going to suplex all my opponents!" said McGuinty. McGuinty threw his back out when he tried to demonstrate the technique, and was taken to hospital, where nobody recognized him and they refused to provide service. "Who is this guy?" said one nurse. "He can't be the Liberal leader - they don't have one, do they?"
Monday, November 9
The Ontario Progressive Conservative party launched an attack ad against Liberal Leader Dalton McGuinty today. It shows McGuinty's face surrounded by question marks. Pollsters say that the new ads failed because nobody knew who they were attacking.
Friday, November 13
HRH Charles, the Prince of Wales, celebrated his 50th birthday today. He participated in a recreation of one scene from the movie "The Full Monty." The Queen was not amused.
Sunday, November 15
Iraq backed down from its refusal to allow United Nations weapons inspectors to do their jobs. "We were very sorry that we misinterpreted their literature," said an Iraqi spokesperson. "We thought they were eating their Kurds and whey, and we were outraged because only Iraqis have the right to eat Kurds."
Monday, November 16
Professional basketball player Dennis Rodman married former Baywatch model Carmen Electra in Las Vegas over the weekend. "We were fighting over who got to wear the dress," said Rodman, "so we agreed that we'd strip down halfway through the ceremony and change clothes." Witnesses reported that the dress was just right for Electra, but way too short for Rodman, and that he just didn't have the cleavage for it.
Tuesday, November 17
A disgruntled taxpayer set fire to the cashier's wicket in Vaughan, northwest of Toronto, today to protest what he felt was an unfairly high electricity bill. "When we suggested that using natural gas was a more efficient way of heating a home, that wasn't what we had in mind," said the cashier.
Thursday, November 19
Québec Premier Lucien Bouchard today announced that if his Parti Québecois wins the upcoming provincial election, he may hold a referendum on something other than outright separation. "We're really mixed up," said Bouchard, "and don't know what we stand for any more. We may hold a referendum on separation, or perhaps on a new Social Union. Or we may just hold a referendum to find out what the favourite pizza toppings of Québeckers are. We really don't know. Vote for us and we'll think of something."
Sunday, November 22
60 Minutes broadcast a videotape provided by notorious doctor Jack Kevorkian, in which one of Dr. Kevorkian's patients requests, and receives, death by lethal injection. Dr. Kevorkian was immediately offered a job as a host of the show. "He fits right in with the other old, wrinkled, opinionated curmudgeons," said the show's producer. "To sweeten the pot, we've offered to let him pick which one of our reporters he replaces, and then he gets to assist them in committing suicide."
Monday, November 23
The Canadian Radio-Television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) today opened hearings into whether it should regulate the Internet. In his opening remarks, David Colville, head of the hearings, said "We do not wish to regulate the Internet. We just want to sanitize it. Some of the bullexpletive deleted by order of the CRTC that's out there is really expletive deleted by order of the CRTCed up! I've walked through our offices late at night and found janitors description of immoral individual activity deleted by order of the CRTCing while staring at their expletive deleted by order of the CRTCing computer screens. It's sick. That's why we're here. Just like you can only show slang term for a female body part deleted by order of the CRTC on TV after nine o'clock, we think that you should only be able to show slang term for a form of interpersonal relations deleted by order of the CRTC late at night on the Internet, too." He then demonstrated some of his favourite slang term for interpersonal relations between more than two people deleted by order of the CRTC Web sites for reporters.
Tuesday, November 24
Basketball superstar Dennis Rodman is seeking an annulment of his marriage to actress/model Carmen Electra. They were married just over a week ago. "I discovered her boobs were made of plastic!" said Rodman, "and that's just not right. I'm really into the natural thing, y'know?"
Wednesday, November 25
Notorious assisted suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian was charged with murder today in connection with his 60 Minutes debut. "He just killed our ratings," said the producer, "and I'm pretty sure it was premeditated, so that's murder." Observers suggested that he was just putting 60 Minutes out of its misery.
Thursday, November 26
Former Québec Premier Jacques Parizeau once again put his foot in his mouth. In a speech, Parizeau said that the real reason for the separatist agenda was to "milk the rest of Canada" and "go get our booty." Premier Lucien Bouchard was forced to admit that Parizeau was right. "Yes, he's right," said Bouchard, "we separatists are just a bunch of whiny freeloaders trying to con the rest of the country."


Tuesday, December 8
Protesters surrounded the hotel in Vancouver where Prime Minister Jean Chrétien was addressing a Liberal fundraising dinner. They were protesting last year's APEC pepper-spraying incident. Some protesters were injured when they were struck with police truncheons. The Prime Minister remarked "If dey don't like de pepper spray, let's see how dey like de truncheon."
Friday, December 11
U.S. legislators today approved several articles of impeachment against President Clinton. "We don't know how to deal with the nation's real problems," said one, "so we're doing this to look like we're really busy."
Wednesday, December 16
American and British forces bombed Iraq in the wake of Saddam Hussein's refusal to honour commitments to permit U.N. weapons inspection teams. U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton released a statement alleging that Hussein was part of the "vast right-wing conspiracy" aiming to overthrow her husband's government and that he had to be stopped.
Saturday, December 19
The U.S. House of Representatives today impeached President Clinton. "We still don't know how to deal with the nation's real problems," said one, "so we're doing this to look like we're really busy."
Sunday, December 20
An Oklahoma woman is the proud mother of octuplets following therapy using fertility drugs. Kenneth Starr announced that he will be investigating to find out if President Clinton had anything to do with it.
Tuesday, December 22
The Ontario human rights commission ruled today that landlords cannot discriminate against prospective tenants based on income. "Just because some people can't afford to pay the rent doesn't mean you can deny them a lease," said the commission, adding that they hope to be able to expand the ruling to apply to all goods and services. "Just because you can't afford beer or cigarettes or tickets to Phantom doesn't mean you should be denied the right to buy these things."
Thursday, December 31
In his year-end address to the nation, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr admits that he staged the whole inquisition just to impress Jodie Foster.

Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its contents are copyright © 1998-99 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines are permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you. Stop right now!