Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a
chronology of the major news stories of 2000.
- Tuesday, January 9
- Britney Spears, co-hosting the American Music Awards, once again
removed almost all of her clothing to perform at an awards show.
"I know this is why people like me," she said, jiggling her
rumoured-to-be-enhanced breasts in her revealing outfit, "so I'm
just giving the people what they want. But I'm a Good Girl, really
I am. Honest!"
- Wednesday, January 10
- Buckingham Palace announced today that Princess Margaret was
in hospital for treatment of a stroke. "We all send our best
wishes," said a spokesperson, "and the Queen Mum sent a case of
- Thursday, January 11
- Québec premier Lucien Bouchard announced today that he was
stepping down as PQ leader and premier. "It's Jean Chrétien's
birthday today," said Bouchard, "and I wanted to give him a very nice
- Friday, January 12
- Actress Calista Flockhart, best known as Ally McBeal, announced
today that she has adopted a baby boy. "I asked Céline Dion
about being pregnant, and she said it was horrible," said Flockhart.
"Usually when you blow chunks, it keeps your tummy from getting bigger.
But no matter how many time she tossed her cookies, her tummy just kept
getting bigger and bigger! I knew then that pregnancy wasn't for me."
- Tuesday, January 16
- Outgoing U.S. President Bill Clinton announced today that a
growth that had been removed from his back was cancerous. Doctors
said that the prognosis for Clinton will be fine now that the
useless lump is off his back, but Al Gore isn't likely to do as well
after the separation.
- Thursday, January 18
- Rev. Jesse Jackson admitted today that he not only had an
extramarital affair, but that this affair produced a child out of
wedlock. "I am often called upon to counsel those who are in
this kind of predicament," said Jackson, who had been an advisor
to U.S. President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. "How
can I truly advise them if I have not, myself, experienced those
- Saturday, January 20
- President Dubya was sworn in today, replacing President Bubba.
In his inaugural speech, he promised to work hard to make Americans
forget Dan Quayle.
- Wednesday, January 24
- Québec Deputy Premier Bernard "Dirty" Landry, who is
running for the leadership of the Parti Québecois, today
accused the Canadian flag of being a "red rag". Numerous petitions
were started throughout the country urging Lucien Bouchard to
reconsider his resignation.
- Thursday, January 25
- Céline Dion gave birth today to a baby boy. One of the
doctors who helped deliver the baby said that the child looks like
both of his parents. "He weighs about six pounds, just like his
mother, and he has his father's bald head and beard!"
- Wednesday, February 28
- Québec Premier-in-waiting Bernard "Dirty" Landry reacted
angrily today to the news that his province is one of those receiving
equalization payments from the federal government. "Just because our
separatist policies have driven businesses out of the province is no
reason that we need federal help!" he said. "We would be better off
without the billions of dollars that the rest of the country gives us."
- Thursday, March 1
- Survivor host Jeff Probst and his wife announced today that they
are divorcing. "We've voted each other off the island," he said.
- Sunday, March 4
- New Parti Québecois leader Bernard "Dirty" Landry
declared that people who see him as a threat to Canadian unity
are "damn right." "Canada is the best country in the world
and I'll be darned if I don't break it up," he said, "because
that's what's best for Québec."
- Wednesday, July 4
- Embattled Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell Day declared
today that the dissidents in his party were upset because they
were jealous of his success. "I'm presiding over the greatest
decline in support any Canadian political party has ever had,"
said Day, "and they can't admit that it's all because of my
- Sunday, July 9
- The executive committee of the Canadian Alliance revealed today
that they have asked party leader Stockwell Day to step down.
"Stock's response was that he can't ride off into the sunset because
Deb Grey is the one with the motorbike, and he left his Jet-Ski
at home so he can't use that, either, so he has to stick around."
- Monday, July 10
- Backstreet Boys, the most successful of the boy bands (yet),
announced today that one of their members, A.J., had checked himself
into rehab for alcohol abuse and depression. "He has been upset
ever since Britney started banging one of the guys in a rip-off
boy band," said one of the Boys, "and Christina won't return his
phone calls, either."
Many events portrayed above are based on real events, but most of this
stuff is fiction. So like, don't sue me, eh! This page and its
contents are copyright © 2001 by Stephen M. Dunn. All rights
reserved. No portion of this work may be reproduced in any form without
prior written consent, with the exception that Internet search engines are
permitted to index it. So stop thinking about it. Yes, I mean you.
Stop right now!