Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a chronology of the major news stories of 2002.

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• January

Tuesday, January 8

Bacon triple cheeseburgers with biggie size fries 1, Dave Thomas 0.

Wednesday, January 9

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman says that restaurants shouldn't refuse to serve Hell's Angels during the coming weekend's convention just because they're Hell's Angels. "I don't like what they stand for, and I don't like what they do," he said, "but I'll bet they spend a lot on beer!"

Saturday, January 12

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman drops by the Hell's Angels convention, shakes hands with one of them, and says they seem like really nice people. After he gives them this little promo, they untie him and stop pointing guns at his head.

Sunday, January 13

Pretzel 1, Dubya 0. At least he didn't ralph in the Japanese Prime Minister's lap like his daddy did.

Monday, January 14

Toronto Mayor Mel Lastman says he wouldn't have shaken hands with a Hell's Angel if he'd known what they stood for or what they did. He also admits that the reason he spends most of the winter in Florida is that he's trying to drain the rather swampy land he bought from someone who described it to him as "beachfront property."