Here, seen through the eyes of a sick and twisted individual, is a chronology of the major news stories of 2000.

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• 2002

Tuesday, January 9

Britney Spears, co-hosting the American Music Awards, once again removed almost all of her clothing to perform at an awards show. "I know this is why people like me," she said, jiggling her rumoured-to-be-enhanced breasts in her revealing outfit, "so I'm just giving the people what they want. But I'm a Good Girl, really I am. Honest!"

Wednesday, January 10

Buckingham Palace announced today that Princess Margaret was in hospital for treatment of a stroke. "We all send our best wishes," said a spokesperson, "and the Queen Mum sent a case of gin."

Thursday, January 11

Québec premier Lucien Bouchard announced today that he was stepping down as PQ leader and premier. "It's Jean Chrétien's birthday today," said Bouchard, "and I wanted to give him a very nice present."

Friday, January 12

Actress Calista Flockhart, best known as Ally McBeal, announced today that she has adopted a baby boy. "I asked Céline Dion about being pregnant, and she said it was horrible," said Flockhart. "Usually when you blow chunks, it keeps your tummy from getting bigger. But no matter how many time she tossed her cookies, her tummy just kept getting bigger and bigger! I knew then that pregnancy wasn't for me."

Tuesday, January 16

Outgoing U.S. President Bill Clinton announced today that a growth that had been removed from his back was cancerous. Doctors said that the prognosis for Clinton will be fine now that the useless lump is off his back, but Al Gore isn't likely to do as well after the separation.

Thursday, January 18

Rev. Jesse Jackson admitted today that he not only had an extramarital affair, but that this affair produced a child out of wedlock. "I am often called upon to counsel those who are in this kind of predicament," said Jackson, who had been an advisor to U.S. President Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. "How can I truly advise them if I have not, myself, experienced those same issues?"

Saturday, January 20

President Dubya was sworn in today, replacing President Bubba. In his inaugural speech, he promised to work hard to make Americans forget Dan Quayle.

Wednesday, January 24

Québec Deputy Premier Bernard "Dirty" Landry, who is running for the leadership of the Parti Québecois, today accused the Canadian flag of being a "red rag". Numerous petitions were started throughout the country urging Lucien Bouchard to reconsider his resignation.

Thursday, January 25

Céline Dion gave birth today to a baby boy. One of the doctors who helped deliver the baby said that the child looks like both of his parents. "He weighs about six pounds, just like his mother, and he has his father's bald head and beard!"

Wednesday, February 28

Québec Premier-in-waiting Bernard "Dirty" Landry reacted angrily today to the news that his province is one of those receiving equalization payments from the federal government. "Just because our separatist policies have driven businesses out of the province is no reason that we need federal help!" he said. "We would be better off without the billions of dollars that the rest of the country gives us."

Thursday, March 1

Survivor host Jeff Probst and his wife announced today that they are divorcing. "We've voted each other off the island," he said.

Sunday, March 4

New Parti Québecois leader Bernard "Dirty" Landry declared that people who see him as a threat to Canadian unity are "damn right." "Canada is the best country in the world and I'll be darned if I don't break it up," he said, "because that's what's best for Québec."

Wednesday, July 4

Embattled Canadian Alliance leader Stockwell Day declared today that the dissidents in his party were upset because they were jealous of his success. "I'm presiding over the greatest decline in support any Canadian political party has ever had," said Day, "and they can't admit that it's all because of my strong leadership."

Sunday, July 9

The executive committee of the Canadian Alliance revealed today that they have asked party leader Stockwell Day to step down. "Stock's response was that he can't ride off into the sunset because Deb Grey is the one with the motorbike, and he left his Jet-Ski at home so he can't use that, either, so he has to stick around."

Monday, July 10

Backstreet Boys, the most successful of the boy bands (yet), announced today that one of their members, A.J., had checked himself into rehab for alcohol abuse and depression. "He has been upset ever since Britney started banging one of the guys in a rip-off boy band," said one of the Boys, "and Christina won't return his phone calls, either."